Saturday, June 28, 2008

alaina's paper about me...

this is a paper that my neice alaina typed about me for college!

the assignment was "Write a paper about someone who is older than you, and who is doing something interesting, different, and important"

i am sooooooooooooo proud of HER for going to college and i am soooooooo proud of ME that i am an inspiration.....

thank you lani and thank YOU for reading it....


Alaina Jennings

Prof. Bollenbacher

English 121-001

June 30, 2008










You're Doing What?!?

"We have a secret in our society. It's not that birth is painful, but that women are strong." This quote comes from one of the many women now opting to choose home-births over hospitalized births. Since the beginning of time, women have delivered babies without the use of pain reducing medications, so why in the 21st century, as we women fight to prove that we are as strong as men, do we let others convince us that we are not strong enough to bear our children?

Steffani Crummett grew up in Versailles, Ohio, third of five children. More than ten years younger than her oldest siblings, and just two years older than her youngest siblings (a set of twins), she developed her own unique sense of self and unconventional way of thinking. Many would describe Steffani as very spiritual and artistic. She goes against what society considers normal, and is happy with her life and the choices she has made.

At the age of 20, Steffani left the farmlands of Ohio for the vast mountains of Colorado, where she met and married Robert "Bobby" Williams and settled in Eaton, Colorado. Together they had one son, Sebastian, born January 8, 1999. He was born at Upper Colorado Medical Center in the nearby city of Greeley. Nearly two weeks over-due Steffani chose to have an induced labor, because she was fearful for the safety and well-being of her child.

The birth story of her eldest child is one Steffani refers to often when asked about her choice to birth her youngest two children, River two, and BellaLuna seven months, at home. She recounts to me the feeling of having lost control over herself and her child, after being admitted to the hospital. After receiving various labor inducing drugs and pain medications, she had seated herself in a rocking chair, in an attempt at finding a comfortable position to sit, while she waited until it was to begin pushing her son out into the world.

When a nurse came in asking her to move back to her bed so the progress of her labor could be checked, she complied. Seconds later the alarm attached to the fetal heart beat monitor began to sound. She was thrown on to her bed as nurses and doctors immediately began prepping her for an emergency Cesarean-Section. Amidst all the commotion Steffani tried to explain that the monitor had simply slipped from position and this was the reason for the alarms.

Nurses were putting an oxygen mask on her face, while shoving papers into her hands to be signed giving the hospital permission to go ahead with the procedure. After repeated attempts she finally got through to the hospital staff that she and her baby were fine, and a C-Section was not needed. "Even when I was otherwise ignorant about birth, I knew my body and what was best for my baby's welfare." She says, pointing out that with all the education doctor's have received, they will never know your body better than you do. After the monitor was put back into place, everything progressed normally, and after 21 hours of labor she welcomed her son into the world.

Shortly after having her son, Steffani met and became close friends with a woman named Marci, who raised her awareness about home-birthing. Steffani knew that she was not going to go back to any hospital to have a child.

Nearly eight years later Steffani had divorced Bobby, and remarried Jonathan Crummett. When they learned they were pregnant, Steffani knew that she would have a home-birth. With the support of her close friend Marci, Steffani stuck by her choice, and gave birth to a healthy baby boy, on May 17, 2006. This is a birthing story she also refers to often, to compare the differences between home-birthing and hospitalized birthing.

While her eight year old son was staying with his father, Steffani went into labor in the comfort of her home, supported by those who had a vested interest in her and her child's well-being. After eight hours of labor, no pain medication, and no labor management techniques, Steffani describes this labor as far better than her first. The bond between her and her husband grew stronger as he coached and coaxed her through her labor contractions, and the birthing of their son, even though as Steffani tells me "Jonathan had never even held a baby, until he helped deliver his own child."

At the arrival of her son Steffani was able to lay in the comfort of her own home, holding her newborn son, without anyone trying to take him away to be weighed or bathed, or any of the various other things doctors deem necessary to do to new-born children.

With her third child, and second home-birth, Steffani gave birth to a baby girl, who was born breech. Many women have heard the horror stories of babies being born breech, and the complications it can cause. Steffani tells me it's not quite as complicated as we have been led to believe. Her daughter came into this world feet first and arms up. As Steffani pushed her out into the world, her husband Jonathan, held the babies feet tight, and together they brought her into this world, safe and healthy.

When speaking with Steffani, you can see the animation in her face describing how she felt during each of her children's birthing. Her eyes brighten with anger and fear at what might have been had she not repeatedly spoke out during the birthing of her eldest child. When she speaks of the birth of her youngest two children she is far more calm, relaxed and comfortable.

Steffani describes this home-birthing as the most self-empowering thing she has ever or will ever accomplish in her life. "If you don't need a doctor to put the baby in, why do you need a doctor to get the baby out?" she asks me, expressing her opinion that it is a natural process to create a child, and therefore it also should be a natural process to give birth. The first moments of her child's life are far clearer to her because of the lack of mind-altering drugs. As a recovering drug and alcohol addict Steffani says to me "I don't use drugs socially, so why would I allow myself a high dosage of drugs while I'm pregnant?" After learning her story it is hard to imagine why any woman would give up the comfort of her own home, only to have her life taken over by a stranger, who decides what is best for her, during the single most important moments of her life.

Steffani often has referred to herself as having been ignorant about hospitalized-birthing. She believes women should be taught about the benefits and risks of home-birthing, and allowed to make their own personal choices. However for first time parents she would recommend having a midwife in attendance in case of an emergency situation. It is her hope that by sharing her story, more women will become aware of the choices we have, and can move from ignorance to enlightenment.

midsummer full

full blue moon & tree

i am full of thoughts, in a good way.
my house is about to become a home.
all thoughts will lead to good things given time, nourishment, and energy.
and a tangible chance!

i opened my last pack of cigarettes today.
my loyalty to the camel cigarette company is much stronger than their loyalty to me...they changed the blend.
why would i even dare to start some other brand and choicedly enslave myself for thirteen more years?!
my babies will be teenagers by then...bastian will own this house by then.
if i were to live to see it!

oh mindless mindfullness! the story of my life...

piles of beautifully illustrated childrens books that i may or may not get around to showingto, reading with, or sharing with my children...

boxes of board games, decks of cards, and i don't know how to play!

my house is such a sanctuary for insects that it is like my broompile comes microscopically alive, when i get a notion to sweep...

but i have a diaper pail now, and strawberries in my fridge...loaves of bread waiting for my hands to bake them...

can you see it? can you see my robin's egg blue summer parlor with ceiling fan and five 5shelf book shelves?! i can...

can you see me spraypainting bricks white for bastian and i to paint different colors to lay around our SUNFLOWER GARDEN, just as soon as i paint them and pick up the compost mulch i laid to create the dirt underneath? i can....

i can see multitudinous possibilities where there is usually ennui and mundane...they wait for me...even under piles of nonsense and lack mentality and selfimposed drama, they wait patient as waves lapping the shoreline...

for me to come back to them... they wait...and under the dark earth of possibility i remember them...

and they sprout!

flobots

i followed these guys across the country from denver...
when they reached it here (and on youtube various places) i knew there were more of US than there are of THEM....

i think too much

(originally posted may 25, 2008)

i asked my mother WHEN i became so analytical.

thinking that maybe if some life TRAUMA or EXPERIENCE or AGE or developmental milestone triggered my nonstopswirling thought process i could narrow that down and figure out WHY i am like this and if i could figure out WHY i am so analytical and think soooooooooo much and cannot JUST ENJOY MYSELF i could learn HOW to stop THIS and learn something NEW.

my mother said "i would say you were always like this".

yay.

if i was born thinking too much and that is HOW I AM (and it has just become negative with age and exposure to people who don't THINK TOO MUCH) then i could change THINKING TOO MUCH like others could change their RACE or their GENDER or whatever it is THEY do or however much THEY think.

(i am always paperthin away from an emotional breakdown)

i have recently begun to observe my life (as it is now, not my past, for once) with the perspective that i very quite possibly have ADD, or some other lack of focus HABIT....i am studying this with the verve that i would put to studying blastocytes and lymphnomas if i were diagnosed with cancer.

because i have ALWAYS been like THIS.

i have ALWAYS thought TOO much.

when you were playing sports, or putting on makeup, or watching television, or getting trained for a career where you would make money, or having friends and doing fun things, or when you were planning executing and flourishing at life, I HAVE BEEN THINKING TOO MUCH.

and i cannot apologize for it. i cannot be sorry that i am so uptight.

it is who i am.

it is not fun.

it is rarely ever comfortable.

it isn't necessarily negative.

it is just realism to me.

i THINK TOO MUCH and love my children

i THINK TOO MUCH and have to pay bills just like all the other grownups

i THINK TOO MUCH and have never been on a date with my husband.

i THINK TOO MUCH and am a thirtytwo year old who has been married twice, divorced once (though i pretty much did the divorcing) widowed, and birthed three children (two of whom in the beautiful experience of unnattended home birth)

i THINK TOO MUCH and walked in on my dead father when i was 20 and have felt homeless eversince (until recently)

i THINK TOO MUCH and i had not the world's most stable childhood.

i THINK TOO MUCH and i have tried to avoid people as much as i can because they scare me, and i may have avoided people so long that i may never be able to be comfortable around them.

i THINK TOO MUCH and all i want is a GOOD LIFE for mySELF and my children.

i THINK TOO MUCH and i may never have that good life if i don't stop thinking too much.

until then, i just HAVE to make my own rules and avoid the mental institution (to the best of my ability)

but i know how to be happy

and i know how to be nice

and i know how to try to improve myself and my life.

i am an introvert in an extrovert world.

i am steffani and i THINK TOO MUCH.

and that is okay.

really.

don't worry.

i am good.

still very nine inch nails inside here...





She shines
In a world full of ugliness
She matters
When everything is meaningless

Fragile
She doesnt see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes
Its just that nothing seems worth saving
I cant watch her slip away

I wont let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone can see
If I could fix myself id-
But its too late for me

I wont let you fall apart

Well find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
Ill build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
But they keep waiting
And picking

Its something I have to do
I was there, too
Before everything else
I was like you

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

my buddha quote for the day

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.

Monday, June 23, 2008

just a thought about grunge

just a thought about grunge
(originally posted june 20, 2008)

i always awaited the day when grunge would be like "lynard skynard". even when i was doing it. and now i was thinking that kurt cobain has been dead for 15 years! and that back in the day we were "trying" to look as "DIFFERENT" as we could (fueled by marijuana, cheap liquor and psychadelics) by wearing tshirts of strange things and old cartoon charecters and such (which have all been resurrected from the dead for our children's enjoyment and digitally ehanced...hello! waiting on the smurfs live action movie!!!!) ...now we are trying to make our MYSPACE pages look as "DIFFERENT" as we can.and the emo kids have filled in our place in the cavity of change. that (among billions of other reasons) is why we hate them. they are now fueled by marijuana, cheap liquor and psychadelics and LOOKING DIFFERENT and we are PARENTS...and those that aren't parents couldn't even DREAM of POSING like THAT...(could you??? anyone over 30 and emo reading this????? you should donate your brain to science....seriously)

anyhoo...to sum up...

eddie vedder is still hot.(and FORTY SOMETHING---damn near FIFTY)

there are HOT TOPIC stores and we bought our clothes at GOODWILL.

and

we are old but we used to look really really cool in sockcaps and flannel in the raging summer. we did. really.

imagine a woman in love with herself

(originally posted may 18, 2008)

imagine a woman in love with herself


imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman.

a woman who acknowledges the past's influence on the present.

a woman who has walked through her past

who has healed into the present.

imagine a woman in love with her own body.

a woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.

who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

imagine a woman who embraces her sexuality as her own.

a woman who delights in pleasing heself.

who experiences her erotic sensations without shame or guilt.

imagine a woman who honors the body of the goddess in her changing body.

a woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.

who refuses to use her precious life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

imagine a woman who has access to the full range of human emotion.

a woman who expresses her feelings clearly and directly.

who allows them to pass through her as gracefully as a breath.

imagine a woman who tells the truth.

a woman who trusts her experience of the world and expresses it.

who refuses to defer to the thoughts, perceptions, and responses of others.

imagine a woman who follows her own creative impulses.

a woman who produces original creations.

who refuses to color inside someone else's lines.

imagine a woman who names her own gods.

a woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.

who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

imagine a woman who refuses to surrendeder to gods, gurus, and higher powers.

a woman who has descended into her own inner life.

who asserts her will in harmony with its impulses and instincts.

imagine a woman who is interested in her own life.

a woman who embraces her life as teacher, healer, and challenge.

who is grateful for the ordinary moments of beauty and grace.

imagine a woman who authors her own life.

a woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her.

who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others.

imagine a woman who participates in her own life.

a woman who meets each challenge with creativity.

who takes action on her own behalf with clarity and strength.

imagine a woman who has crafted a fully formed solitude.

a woman who is available to herself.

who chooses friends and lovers with the capacity to respect her solitude.

imagine a woman who refuses to diminish her life so others will feel better.

a woman who brings the fullness of her years, experience, and wisdom into each relationship.

who expects others to be challenged and blessed by her presence in their lives.

imagine a woman who assumes equality in her relationships.

a woman who no longer believes she is inferior to men and in need of their salvation.

who has taken her rightful place beside them in the human community.

imagine a woman who refuses to use her precious life-energy managing crisis and conflict.

a woman whose relationships deepen in satisfaction and contentment without depleting her.

who chooses friends and lovers with the necessary skills to navigate through the challenges of life.

imagine a woman who values the women in her life.

a woman who sits in circles of women.

who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

imagine a woman who has relinquished the desire for intellectual safety and approval.

a woman who makes a powerful statement with every word she speaks, every action she takes.

who asserts her right to reorder the world.

imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself.

a woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities.

who remains loyal to herself.

regardless.

imagine yourself as this woman.

(or in love with this woman)

***by patricia reilly***