Our Year Of Living (Beautifully) Without WalMart

Thursday, August 21, 2008

you cannot have peace

and violence at the same time!

for the love of all...

you cannot start a new society by forming ANY KIND OF ARMY. (Even IF thats what they told you the United States Did...)

you cannot accomplish peace through war, murder or any other violent atrocities.


i just want peace and spiritual people to inhabit this beautiful orb with.

thats what i want.

not just peace for myself or for america.


(i even want the TALIBAN to feel peace...i want IRAN to have peace. i want Isreal to have PEACE. i want palestine to be peaceful. i want peace in malasyia and poland and innercity kansascity missouri and EVERY WHERE AMONGST ALL PEOPLE)

not "kinda peace" not "a peace which allows me to buy whatever i want to feel more cool" not a "peace for ME that lets me not give a crap about helping end the negativity of starvation, poverty, war, and regime change because SOMEONE ELSE IS TAKING CARE OF THOSE THINGS so i can WORK to take care of MY FAMILY and MY (borderline foreclosed) house and MY SUV(s) (and have LEISURE TIME so then i REALLY don't have to THINK about those things and what i could do to stop/prevent/heal them)"

i want PEACE of MIND, PEACE of HEART, PEACE of SOUL, for ALL People...

for we are all one people, people.

the ones on death row, on Maury Povich, on the board of directors of Time Warner, on the Mir Space Station, on Greenland, on Bermuda, on your block, on a bed in intensive care, on the sahara in a grasshut starving to death right now, on a chair at an AA Meeting, on a road running and running to prepare for a marathon, on the campaign trail, on the atlantic coast, on the yucatan penninsula...and on EVERY INCH OF GROUND EVERYWHERE IN EVERY HOME IN EVERY NATION WITH EVERY SINGLE INDIVIDUAL BELIEF, INTEREST, and SPIRIT...

WE ARE ALL ONE PERSON...ONE HUMAN BEING...ONE SOUL (we just have different bodies...)

(even the NEGATIVE people you perceive as your ENEMY are you)

even if you don't believe me, you ARE me :)

and i want peace for you. in you. of you and through you.

just like i want it for myself.

(and, trust me, it is a constant, daily struggle for me to get a moment's peace within my(our)self! but i strive, because i CARE)

peace for all NOW...





i want NOTHING except PEACE in the hearts, souls, and minds of us all...


i don't care what financial collapse that would take....

i don't care what shattered societies it would create (at first) when negative perceptions are destroyed...

(i don't even care if the christians are right and we have to go through the rapture the antichrist and the jesus coming back to get it, though i don't really believe that, but i would take it right now)


(i know, just another of steff's crackpot, mumbo jumbo ideas, huh?!)



to understand why people (you) have tattoo(s)...

please help me.

i don't have any.

i don't get it.

i don't want any.

i don't understand it.

my husband has contemplated doing it for a living.

and i have no comprehension whatsoever.

(that is the state of our union)

and before you think that i am afaid of the pain, do remember that i have given (completely) unmedicated birth to two babies in the privacy of my own mindset...

so, yeah, leave a comment about what your tattoo(s) is/are why/why not...


there is a girl in pink converse shoes

who runs laps around the block across the street from my house.

my plan was to powerwalk it every day (and/or when i was facing manic/depressive episodes)

i have done it once in the 7 months we have been here.

i am that tired.

*i wish i was that (teenaged) girl...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

harmonica blues and a family sitting around a table playing cards

i friggin LOVE roseanne barr. i cannot explain to you how much. i love roseanne barr like "pretty" girls love the celebrities that THEY starve THEMSELVS to look like, dress like, etc etc etc. (only i love her brain haha!)

i LOVE her blog. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i check it several several times a day.

if you like me and the stuff i write, you may just wanna check hers out. i usually want to copy and paste everything she says...but i fear her and know better :)

thought that my gift of theday for you today though would be the link to her blog... i would bookmark it if i were you :)


(gotcha niki! YOU thought i was finally gonna blog about our CHILDHOOD...or were ya hiplysmart enough to get the hook?! <3)

thoughts of an outlaw (8-19-08)

geezux if yesterdays title didnt do it, then i cannot prevail...

(i didnt have a better word and didnt feel like thesaurusing)

a few of todays thoughts

****in the movie of the wizard of oz, not that big of a deal is made of "the man behind the curtain"...certainly not more, or even close, as there is made about the BIG SCARY FIREY head... people like the sizzle...not the ordinary looking guy from nebraska behind the curtain who is controlling the big flaming scaaaaaary head. some people are choosing to play the big scary head game, because they have some need to want to be scared, to want to compete, to want to covet and deny their own divinity, and to starfuck and namedrop and play vs, and cheer for "football politics" and who knowswhatall (of the seven deadly sins and otherwise)...

not me! i want to find out just as much as possible about the guy behind the curtain. i am not afraid of the big scary head, i went and got THAT broomstick years and years and years ago. right now i just wanna feel like there's no place like home (and i guess i can enjoy making THAT for my children and my husband and my SELF now instead of playing "big flaming head games" with people who wanna be afraid. (or who aren't as intrigued by the man behind the curtain as i am.)

***thought for the evening: i have a friggin amazing pink cotton tshirt that cost $1.50. it is the most beautiful tshirt that ever existed. it makes me happy. it is my new favorite shirt...(just like i am my new favorite Steffani)

***i have a virus on my computer...right now it is in the "POP UP VIRUS" stage and it crashed earlier but is back now...if i disappear, i am (probably) still alive, so don't fret.

***if you are reading this, i really really love you...

goodnight for the moment...(i could go on, i dont even remember the name of this blog.)


i came out of the closet this evening (8-18-08)

and all i can say is it feels VERY VERY VERY strange and i feel VERY VERY VERY terrified and confident at the same time.
no, not the GAY closet, but the 9/11 was an inside job closet.
i am sure this is not that something that i will be able to recover from very soon.
because i said outrageous things to my mother.
my mom.
the teacher.
the college graduate.
the one who gave me life.

and i still feel confident (yet i am sure look psychotic to some degree) within my beliefs.

i have passed the point of no return.
i have gone too far down the rabbit hole (and i mean the alice in wonderland one)

i love my mother very fiercely and i respect what my mother has done with her life from where she came from, i really really do.

but when the subject of politics comes up (and not by me, mind you...) i just get all UGLY with TRUTH (my truth as i can see it feel it believe it and KNOW it in my soul)

and no one (especially not my brother and my mother) really can SEE what i can see.
or what i know i see.

when i hear conspiracy theory i feel PROUD...and SMART...that i can see the connections that other people avoid and absolutely refuse and fail to see.

it is not negative to me. because at its root, this EVIL force that i KNOW exists in the hearts and minds of the evil (global) regime that i am internally fighting against (and now externally, i guess)

there are a vast majority of people in america who cannot find many coutries on the map or name very many world leaders, let alone are able, or care to, fathom the spiritual ramifications of things that i feel it is my RESPONSIBILITY and DUTY to be AWARE of AT ALL TIMES (to the best of my ability)

but i have no clout just because i am smart, and just because i pride myself on my awareness. those are not things that are envied anymore (if they ever were)

i am too intelligent for some people and too trashy for the people iam intelligent enough for...

i think that all just changed.

because for the first time in my entire life, i don't feel TRASHY anymore. the intelligent part of me has just won, like it or not, on purpose or not.

I KNOW I AM CORRECT in the things and feelings that i know are so about the structure of the world and its evil and its dark enslaving elitist "masters", the ones who are playing a game of RISK with us all... (not WITH us, but using us as pawns)

i hope ANYONE is still reading this and is getting the things that i am saying...not that i think i am BETTER or CLEARER or MORE than you or anyone else, just that i go off into a kinda "trance" place sometimes, and keep writing until i am crosseyed and have to blink again.

(i am not exactly going off of an eighth grade english class "outline" here, i am going off of fear and love and terror and nausea and freedom and neurosis and every other adjective in the world)

(god, it felt like i was hovering over it and CERTAINLY not in my own body while it was happening- the "arguement")

(thank you if you are still reading this far. i am ABSOLUTELY alone in the world for 20 more minutes until jonathan gets home and i am VERY (un) comfortable right now)

i dont know what MOST PEOPLE would do if they had "argued" themselves into the place that i now find myself in.

i know in my bones that i have always been a disappointment to my mother and probably everyone else who has ever met me for very long.

i know in my marrow that no one has ever really taken me seriously (i think jonathan did at one time, but not for a long time now) and that most people i have been close to have either thought of me as psycho and/or mildly retarded (or both)

but that just doesn't bother me all the sudden (maybe it does. maybe it will HIT ME sometime later)

anyway, here's what i know for sure at 1051pm on 8-18-08...

i just said a lot of (what i believe in my soul but) crazy shit to my mother and my brother.

they tried to answer back.

i really really prayed to god (or whatever) that i could just stop talking and just stop arguing the entire time the "hovering out of body experience" was happening, but i just could not.

i feel sick to my stomach and confident at the same time.

i feel very much alone.

i dont think i am doing this incident in my life very much justice.

i am not reading over what i am writing or editing myself in ANY way.

i know that i love my children, my husband, and my simple life a lot and can probably gain a lot by focusing more on that and less on caring a squat less what anyone ever may think of me or my beliefs or anything else...

i know that none of this (nor much else) will matter the minute (second) the atomic bomb is dropped, accidentally detonated, shot out of a cannon or a submarine, etc etc etc..

i know i dont WIN if i am right (unless OTHERS will finally accept the TRUTH and begin in big ways to resist and even FIGHT the EVIL that i KNOW is all around.

i know that my truth isnt the ONLY truth, and that if it was, i would be far more uh...advanced in the world than i am (or in jail or waterboarded or watched by the GOVERNMENT)

anyhoosies...i wanted to express what happened when the topic went from abortion to war (them against abortion, me against war, etc etc etc) but i cannot seem to figure a lot out, river woke me up at 5 am and my eyes are closing....

i am gonna stop this for now. comment if you want, but i doubt you will, you never do :)

love love love (really)
and namaste


chris crocker

is so much prettier than i am!

that kinda upsets me in a (notso) funny way....

and he is sooooo deliberate (and feminine) sometimes in his speaking...like how i would want to try to be when i have the brains in my head to try to be a girl.

that is not usually...

very affected mannerisms and speech.

same with perez too...

so, perhaps if i aim for GAY BOY i may just get pretty girl (steff) ?!

is this the lesson?!

Monday, August 18, 2008

my old myspace quote (so's i have it)

"Boldness has genius power and magic in it. Until one is committed, there is hesitancy; the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness: The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issue from the decision"

first of the hometeaching bloggy blogs


all my life i have been collecting books and listening to classical music.

i have been using upwards of 4 and 5 syllable words and hating the morning.

i have done incredible "mommy" things since i have had children.

everyone else i have graduated with, their parents, and my own mother are teachers.

why not me?

i will tell you why not me, and i have told everyone why not me since i was a kid.

i cannot be a teacher because i am too emotional.

i cannot be a teacher because i could not deal with the office politics.

i cannot be a teacher beacause last time i was in a school the kids bullied and made fun of me and i imagine that the children i was expected to teach would also bully and make fun of me.

i cannot be a teacher because people do not "listen to me" or take my advice or think my views are worth a damn in the "real world" so why would little kids believe me/listen to me/ learn from me?

i cannot be a teacher because unlike my mother, i did not know when i was a young child that teaching is what i was fated to do.

i cannot be a teacher because i hate school.

then when the standardized tests came around- ferget it! theres no way i want ANYTHING to do with standardized tests.

i cannot be a teacher because i hate getting up in the morning.

i cannot be a teacher because gwb said "no child left behind" and certainly ruined education then.

i cannot be a teacher because my views are far too ecclectic and irratic and completely unconventional (is completely unconventional conventional then?).

i cannot be a teacher because of that whole pesky "college education" thing and i cannot take the math.

i cannot be a teacher because i could never make lesson plans.

i cannot be a teacher because i would be run over by little kids and too attracted to teenage boys if i were to teach high school. (there, i said it. i mean it as a joke, kinda)

i cannot be a teacher because i cannot teach anyone anything.

(oh i am sure there are countless other REASONS)

then i had children.

and i started to believe that they were placed into my life to convince me that all of the above (and the countless more) were bullshit limiting beliefs (and trust me, when it comes to limiting beliefs, i win)

now, i am the mother of an honor roll student. a straight A bashie.

through the whole of his childhood when i was doing the VERY FLAWED "perfectionist wannabe" mom thing...through the tumult of the divorce and the myriad crazy places to live, the bipolar mommy experiment that is my own life, the birth of two siblings, new stepfather, death of his own father in front of him, moving across the country...

sebastian, whom i gave birth to, ended last year on the honor roll, had read more books than anyone in his grade, become the student of the week his first week and student of the month his first month at his new school.

now, credit where credit is due, and i mean this with ALL MY HEART AND MIND, sebastian williams is his own person with his own (very beautiful) mind. and i did not raise him on my own by myself. he has had some wonderful people who have co-adulted him along with me. (and sometimes instead of me) HE is the one who made it on the honor roll, not me. i certainly know that.

{i bet you can imagine, maybe the SCOPE of the shitty student i was...(and shitty child)}

but i sometimes just MUST think that i had something to do with mothering such a cool and interesting and intelligent child. because when i have my self esteem on correctly, i can see that those are the three qualities that i admire most in myself. so you teach what you know, right :)

and you teach your children every single second anyway. i am very very astutely aware of this. always have been.

everything you do is teaching your children human behavior, instinct, correctness, wrongness, and a myriad of ther spiritual lessons EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. (this is the pressure i place on myself, people, seriously)

i truly believe and KNOW that.

so, how hard can math and reading be to TEACH when these three children are constantly LEARNING from me anyway with no effort whatsoever of my own, really..... (oh yeah, that was a question....) ?

and wouldnt i want the babies home with me forever anyway? if i am going to be here anyway?

i cannot go out in the world and work for someone else. just to send my kids to public school and live the "american life" i am "supposed" to live. we all knew that wouldn't work for me, didn't we?

and, the curriculum i found, you guys, holy shit....

and someday i will "come out" as a teacher after all this closeted excuse making. and it will be just fine.

just like any other "closeted person" EVERYONE already knew i was a teacher anyway, before i came out :)

something pretty

i can choose fear of the political machine or i can choose pretty. this morning i am choosing pretty. :)