Our Year Of Living (Beautifully) Without WalMart

Thursday, June 19, 2008

sebastian walked around a few weeks ago humming "you're a grand old flag" and muttering about lord of the rings. everytime i turned around he was muttering about lord of the rings and humming you're a grand old flag. by the time i paid attention he had created this idea for this video and jonathan put it together with him on the computer. i am proud of him. it is neat.

we put it on youtube and within 24 hours he could google himself and then he felt FAMOUS over "something i made... i dont believe i am famous for something i made"

so i am putting it as my second clip of the day to share it.

stock(shit) piling

(originally posted may 13, 2008)

like a fat kid with a twinkie at a soup kitchen....
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080513/ap_on_go_co/congress_energy_5

can anyone else see the backassed SNEAKING permeating this entire article....

it REEKS of sneaking, glutting, cheating, being caught and cramming hohos in one's mouth....

capped off by a trip to saudi arabia. don't make them come to us, he'll go to them...

can you even IMAGINE being a fly on THAT wall?!?! bush meets the saudis to beg perchance on the oil crisis???!!! yeah. sure.

here's your 2000 dollars (or 600 or 900 or 1200 or frickin 5400 if you are that lady in arkansas with 18 kids!) "tax rebate" and its the last money you are ever gonna get! i am goin to saudi! screw you guys!

we would be better off by far if he just stayed THERE until november! he may just as well...we all know he's working for THEM anyway (was there ever a thought in ANYONE'S mind, except redstate grannies and christian yay-hoo soccer moms and their eunuched husbands that he was EVER working for US??!!) my dad always taught me to never leave one job without the next lined up...thats what this looks like to ME...

although i didnt have the gumption to nuke mcdonalds rather than leave it.....like SOME people....

mother's day musing

(originally posted may 12, 2008)

when i remember my frustration about my husband when he is in between jobs, it is then that i am amazed that i don't think about the feelings of frustration he must have that i am a stay at home mom.

then i feel guilty for a minute.

then i remember his absolute rocksolid core belief statement that one of the parents NEEDS to be home for the children and his admission that he is incapable of that...

then i feel ok for a long time...

persephone

(originally posted may 4, 2008)

Goddess Persephone epitomizes the maiden daughter archetype - eager to please and expectant, waiting for destiny to happen upon her and change her life, rather than actively seeking out her own design.

Her energy is passive and guileless - until she is abruptly taken hostage and violated.
When the mythic god of the Underworld erupts above ground, abducting the innocent Persephone, her psyche and perception are forever changed.

She is ripped from the security of her mother's embrace and dragged into the role of wife and Queen. From the green maiden of spring, to the mistress of the dark, Persephone becomes the Queen of the Dead.

Most of us can identify with the maiden Persephone. We all have a mother. We all have experienced innocence and dependency, and eventually we will all experience archetypal betrayal, held emotionally hostage by family, lover, illness, or community expectations. Jungian analyst Jean Shinoda Bolen identifies Persephone as one of the vulnerable Goddesses, defined primarily by her relationship to others. Persephone's psychological vulnerability is depression, triggered by boundary violation and abandonment. Ultimately, however, it is also the seed of her hidden strength.

In response to loss, powerlessness or abuse, many descend as Persephone into their own wintertime of shadows and depression, to a darkly lit journey of the soul, struggling with a profound sense of betrayal and lost innocence. Triggered by divorce, rape, or an invasion of boundaries by a toxic circumstance, the archetypal experience of Persephone's journey challenges us to go within our deepest Self, to re-evaluate, and grieve our losses. Depression is a natural response to soul wounding experiences, and if approached without judgment, much healthier than denial. Often the only way through – is down. This is the spiral way to wisdom. Into the dark and unknown.

Persephone's underworld journey acquaints her with death and suffering, and this, in turn, cultivates empathy and the gift of compassion (symbolized by her acceptance of the pomegranate seeds). When we engage our pain, and willingly face our fears, we may also, like Persephone, emerge in the spring, reborn from our night journey, richer in intuitive wisdom and insight.

The alchemical journey of Persephone is the journey we all eventually embark upon; often kicking and screaming in protest. We may not willingly enter our shadow selves, endure depression, or confront our fears and the meaning of death, yet such an exploration leads us to uncover our spiritual center. It challenges our beliefs and pushes us to deepen our awareness, to question our values, and to discover our innate connection to the divine. It leads us to soul. And soul leads us to magic. Magic happens when we align our true intention with the divine spark within. Ego and will may dictate our desires, but soul work beckons us to discover our authenticity. Magic happens when we open our hearts in compassion and allow the divine to gift us with insight, synchronicity, and grace.

When faced with loss, illness, or the death of a loved one, we may ask, "Why did this happen?" or "Why is this happening to me?" We may feel anger and outrage; and anger may linger, often underground. The absence of obvious anger may reveal its shadow is afoot. Depression is often anger turned inward. Acknowledging and working through our anger in an honest, healthy way; expressing it consciously through journal writing, frank discussion, painting, pounding bread dough or pottery clay, or crafting personal ritual; helps free the spirit from the grip of depression and anger.

Working through anger puts us smack in the center of the cauldron, in the fire of transformation. In the heat of the flames we are transformed. We gain insight and clarity, and become free to make proactive choices and embrace change. But until we surrender, we will not experience the alchemical fire that burns off the old self and delivers us, reborn, as the mythical phoenix from the ashes. This is inner work. Surrender is an inward journey to one's center, one's soul. In the mythic dark night of isolation, surrender is hard, especially for the ego. The ego views surrender as a death. But surrender is necessary for growth.

Through embracing our grief and difficult times, by keeping a journal and digging into dream work, we surrender to our own underworld and travel with Persephone, through the unknown realm of the dead, to face our darkest fears, and explore the aspects of our unknown Self. Persephone leads us into the dark. And we are wiser for it.
***kari ann alrich

things i have always known but haven't told anyone

(originally posted may 4, 2008)

***the current administration succeeded a coup in the year 2000

***money is not worth the paper it is printed on...i have always said..."show me the gold standard for the credit card debt and i will pay for my hospital bills"

***9/11 looked, even that day, like a controlled demolition, i do not believe that a plane hit the pentagon and that there was a plane on the ground in shanksville that day...

***the horrors and evil perpetrated by this country's dictatorial administration (and the world bank) will usher in the end of the freedom of the human soul unless more people wake up! come out! and DO NOT GO BACK TO SLEEP!

***at this point it doesn't matter what your arguement is, as long as you are arguing!!!!!!!!

***it is better to live on your feet than to die on your knees

***think about this one thing, please, those of you who would throw jesus at me...who would try to silence me through your blind and deaf devotion to christianity...please just read this one last sentence and think about it...it has taken me 31 years to fomulate this question...give me the respect of reading it, opening your mind, take a deep breath, don't be scared and before you defensively come up with ANYTHING about jesus...just think about this....

*************if the current administration was truly christian, would they be the ones ushering in ALL of the end times prophesies that are attributed to the anti-christ, to satan, to evil, to destruction, to war in the middle east, to one world government and imperialism, to gog and magog, to wars and rumors of wars, to despotism, to the mark of the beast, to ALL OF THE THINGS THAT FRIGHTEN YOU MOST ABOUT THE BIBLE AND MAKE YOU WISH THE HARDEST THAT IT IS TRUE THAT JESUS WILL COME BACK AND SAVE YOU...
?


***there is not some other spiritual warfare on any realm that you cannot see.it is happening in front of your face.

***real people with souls are killing the people of iraq IN YOUR NAME...

***real people with souls (however corrupt) have STOLEN YOUR GOVERNMENT, YOUR DEMOCRACY, FROM YOU...DEMOCRACY HAS NOT EXISTED IN THIS COUNTRY IN SOME TIME AND MOST ESPECIALLY SINCE 2000...
i have known all of this for a long time...since i was far to young to have ever even thought of it...and i have not been able to put it into words.now i am trying...

***we must try against ALL ODDS and against the TERROR that is being brainwashed into us by the bush administration...

***you don't have to be afraid of osama bin laden...the bush family is not afraid of the bin ladens, they are FRIENDS and PARTNERS with them....and yeah, sure, osama is the crazynutball brother of the family...but wouldn't YOU be able to find the crazy nutball brother or any of your high school friends with a little google, word of mouth, and certainly without the power of the CIA and the "most powerful military in the world"????????!!!!!!!!

***you didn't have to be afraid of saddaam hussein, and he is dead now, so you REALLY dont need to be afraid of him now

***how many of you, or your family, (who didnt go to war presumptively) been in anyway confronted personally and frightened by a member of al-queda????...but HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE BEEN TERRORIZED BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION???

***9/11 was crazy...9/11 was scary...9/11 went on for YEARS and it is a dream that many of us are just recently WAKING UP FROM..it was continuous replaying of 3000+people dying in front of you...not an easy thing to take...how long did it take until you were numb to those pictures???...how many times did you have to see those buildings fall before you didnt feel ANYTHING anymore...they were just pictures...not the death of PEOPLE!... had you ever been to newyork city before september 10, 2001??? did you KNOW in your bones the massive nature of those buildings, of THAT place? the LIFE and ENERGY of the THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE who were there?????? i did...i have FELT that for the past 7 years! i have kept the memory of the FEELING of witnessing the DEATHS of THOSE PEOPLE ....i bought the book of their obituaries and read some of them every september...(what has the current administration done to even HONOR THESE PEOPLE in SEVEN YEARS, to memorialize the site??? even a plaque??? ANYTHING??!! or have they forgotten that national cemetery as surely as they want you to FORGET....?)

***WHAT DO YOU DO???? what do you do to participate in life outside of your own??? outside of your fear of the world and insanity about lack of money??? how many miles (5280 ft) of gas does your car get per gallon??? (gallon, like gallon of milk...)HAVE YOU EVEN CONSIDERED ALTERNATE TRANSPORTATION OR CUTTING DOWN ON USING YOUR CAR AND THE OIL IN IT AS A MEANS TO GETTING MORE MONEY AND SPENDING IT AND ADDING TO YOUR LIFESTYLE OF DEBT AND INSANITY??? (i know, its hard for me to think of too, but i do it..i think about it a lot...and i am by no means a saint)

***how many of you have thought in TERROR and SICKNESS thoughts that were fed to you by the FEDERALLY LISCENCED MEDIA (FCC)????????

***how many of you feel bad in your hearts and minds from not speaking up about questions you may have about the evil in THIS country and in THIS GOVERNMENT????

***how many of you think more about iraq than about american idol????
hate me, throw jesus at me, never talk to me again, think that i have finally gone crazy-er, feel free to question me because i think the stimulation of questions and the fact that i am not afraid to answer nor ask them anymore will be very empowering to me...
BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE LOOK AROUND YOU WITH EYES OF LOVE AND NOT EYES OF FEAR
PLEASE FEEL LOVE MORE THAN CARE ABOUT MONEY
THINGS CAN BE FIXED IF YOU JUST TURN YOUR THOUGHTS TO LOVE AND GOODNESS AND NOT THE AUTOMATIC-PILOT FEAR YOU HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO THINK AND FEEL
THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS TERROR ITSELF...AND WHO INFLICTED THE WORD, THE MINDSET, A DOGMA OF TERROR ON THIS COUNTRY????? DID OSAMA BIN LADEN WAGE A WAR ON TERROR????? IS ANYONE ACTUALLY FIGHTING TERROR????
TERROR IS A FEELING...THIS "WAR" IS A CAMPAIGN TO MAKE YOU FEEL TERROR AND IT WILL NEVER END UNTIL YOU END IT WITHIN YOURSELF one tiny minute of beauty, love hope and peace at a time. remember them?? they are the feelings that you were capable of on september 10, 2001 that you have completely forgotten.

YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN FREEDOM OF FEELINGS...your feelings are being controlled and manipulated by the media, which please don't forget is "regulated" by the "government" and is almost a monopoly now...those of you (like me) who would suffer from physical depression with no external stimuli are being TORTURED by the images, words, fearmongering, bottom feeding, insanity-infesting, BOMBARDMENT OF THE MEDIA... and its all on the surface now! imagine! just imagine what passes for subliminal these days!

i am getting more radical with every passing sentence, and i may be shocking some people who came here for happy go lucky steff...
maybe i will go back to sleep tomorrow, in five minutes, or later on today...but i am AWAKE and i am TALKIN right now...

thank you for making it this far....the truth grates on the mind soaked with lies...

i am sorry if what i have typed scared you more than you already are. i have been told that my writing has the ability of making people's hearts beat differently and cause them to hold their
breath while they are reading...

breathe....

and ask yourself just one question..

ANY question...
and LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ANSWER....

quiet your mind of every other thought (especially about money and the media, which are both regulated by the FEDERAL "government") tough to do, isnt it???

think about your family and friends...think a good thought about yourself (for once)..think that you are beautiful (for once)...think that the world is not evil, that there are evil people in the world but there are FAR MORE GOOD PEOPLE than the few evil people...there is beauty in your world...

breathe again...

simple things are better than things that you pay money for....

do you remember anything that didn't cost you money???

kiss someone you love...

be present...

is the sun shining or is it night?? find a window or a door and stick your head out of it and into NATURE....

breathe again...

walk around in public LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYES...smile at them...notice how many people are smiling at your children in the store while you are INSANE about buying peanut butter...

spend a solid half an hour looking your own child, or mate, or self in the mirror, in the eyes INSTEAD OF TELEVISION...(eek!!!!!!!)

breathe....

go out into your yard and TOUCH THE GROUND...put your nose to the earth....

BREATHE AGAIN....

are you still with me....

thank you

thank you

thank you

the optimists creed

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

earth day

(originally posted april 22, 2008)


so this is earth day and what have we done? so far today (and it is just morning) i have added some "causes" to my friends list and will look for more. and i have meditated for days (years) about earthday and what i can and should and will do to lighten my steps on the earth.
ecology and conservation have always interested me deeply. i was one of the first kids at my school who pushed for "recycling", i wonder if that has happened there yet, as i have been gone for several years. probably though, with the "movement" gaining momentum. when i was a small child there was a group in my hometown called TRASH IS CASH that collected boxes and packaging from products and bought playground and park equipment with it. i am foggy on the details because i was young and they were GROWN UPS (and rather radical ones in my small town, i imagine) so i don't know exactly how it worked. because when i was young there weren't "box tops for education" (that i know of) and i don't even think there were "bar codes".

so, i always profess my love for the earth and nature and all things of that sort and i still don't do near enough. i haven't started recycling at the new house yet. i still buy gasoline, even though it kills me both ethically and financially. i bought 8 reusable bags at target for my shopping and never remember to use them. so what good do i do?
that is what drives me nuts about myself, about ecology, and about the country, in general. what the hell good do we do?! i know there are those who are doing good. i know all sorts of ideas to do better (and sometimes try to implement them into my everyday life) and i know that there are people who are doing them. i probably do more than i think that i do.
i instill in my children a love for the earth and for nature and a mindfulness that i imagine is advanced for their ages.
sebastian said this morning "for earth day i am going to build fairy houses, probably" and i wonder at my lack of consciousness.
here are things i have been guilty of doing in the past for the good of the "environment", for the good of my family, and in my guilty conscience, to improve "things"....

* increased my awareness of the world as a globe. not just my own town or my own country, but gained as much awareness as i can towards the global condition, both socially and politically and spiritually.

* i have been known to revere nature, green things, and a simpler lifestyle. i have had a sticker on my car for years that says SIMPLE LIVING SAVES LIVES ( i am aware of the duplicity of that, don't worry) and i mean it with my whole heart. it is certainly what i aspire to.

*i have constantly bought most all i own second-hand and then turned around and given those things away in a way that will get even more use for them. i should do more of that and have a thousand ideas and goals where RECYCLING of THINGS is concerned and hope to carry out at least 998 of them before i die.

*i have recycled in the past. i have tried to recycle against all odds (pregnancy, a throw-away culture, uncooperative "garbage companies, etc)

* i NEVER litter. i would probably die on the spot if i did it hurts soooo much to even consider. i have seen people do it. i have been with people who have done it and given them quite a hard time and forced them to change their ways (both of my husbands come to mind)

* i have taught sebastian about landfills and what they mean, where they are in accordance to where we live.

* i have read tons of RECYCLING, SIMPLE LIVING, and ECOLOGICAL IDEAS books and resources and have tried to implement as many of their ideas into my daily life as i can and will do more.

*i have fought against my consumerist instinct very very hard and though have failed on countless occasions, have succeeded often.

* i have been known to compost at various times in my life and try to use what i have composted.

* i have donated to ECOLOGICALLY sound charities to the best of my impoverished ability. ( i got a letter from leonardo dicaprio, i am soooo involved haha)

* i spearheaded the yearly "garage sale" day in the last town i lived in as a response to my disgust at the consumerist culture there. the garage sales had very favorable results and on a local scale i have saved thousands of pounds of things from going straight to the landfill.

*i have kept my eyes peeled, my ears open, and my heart as open as i can to the CLIMATE CRISIS and all of its facets that are seeing the LIGHT of day now.

*somehow i want to add that i have had my babies at home as a protest against the medical community as having some significance to ecology. and i know that it does, but that is a whole nother topic that will have its due when there is a MEDICAL DAY to shed light on those atrocities (haha)

here are the ideals. here are the things i want to do in a perfect world where i have the wherewithall:

*get a hybrid car next time i get a car. if i get another car. i hate cars a lot. but i like to get around.

*get a bicycle. i have always wanted to get one. get bicycles for our whole family and use them.

*get solar electricity and heat. i want this BAD. it is on my WISH LIST. my front burner. HATING gas isn't enough. HATING gas and paying the bill is just about enough to kill me and is surely enough to motivate me.

*i already don't use much water. but it would be AWESOME to find ways to use even less. i am pretty darn good on the water conservation thing. if my toilet had less water it wouldn't flush and if i kept it on while i was brushing my teeth i would go automatically INSANE (er). i have done a pretty good job on the water thing.

*Grow as much of my own food as possible. i am gonna do carrots this year just to prove that ican do it. and summers hence will add on and on and on (and learn how to can and preserve) so that the jars on my shelves say STEFF'S VALUE and not GREAT VALUE.

*a BIG HUGE GOAL is to find a way to buy my meat from an organic farmer (and now that i am here amongst the amish that shouldn't be too darn hard) and buy my meat at one time so that i am buying locally, organically, and not putting another cent into THAT slaughter machine.

*I am committed to finding a way to lessen my consumerist actions. To be even more frugal, even more mindful, even more natural, even more safe, even more thrifty than i already am.

*I want to GET MORE INVOLVED with people and causes that i admire. to find the people who are LIVING the difference. who are LIVING their consciences and join them.

* I want to see the world improve. I want to see the oil obsessed evil forces in the world topple (ours included) and a far more earth-based, simple vs consumerist SOCIETY emerge. Not COMMERCIALLY SIMPLE, not CORPORATE ORGANICS but a nice, easy, beautiful simplicity that comes from people turning away from the CONSUMERIST mindset, from the GLUTTONY of possibility fed to them by CORPORATIONS. there's a LOT to do and to think about, so i am gonna stop now and go do 8 things to improve the world.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO????
WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR PURE HEART TO DO???

Wish us luck. and Get to work.
luv steff

girlfight

(originally posted april 21, 2008)

i am just exasperated by this girls beating up the other girl story. i am just depressed by it. depressed to the point of numb.

i am scared by it, as i am by many things in the world today.

i feel though that there isn't much i can do except to guard and protect over my own children. to make sure that i never slack up on knowing what they are doing and who they are. i cannot see any other way than hypervigilance with my children. granted, i am a bit lax when they are in my own home, but it is very difficult for me to imagine sending them out into the world with the way "things" are today.

it is very difficult for me to send sebastian to school. it is better since we moved. at his old school children went so far as to "tease" (bully) him about his father's death, let alone our poverty and the old favorite, weight. but things seem to be going better now and i do my best to muster up my inner resources and pay attention each and every day to his experience at school and his emotional reaction to the day, to the other children, and the social "stimulation". i know i couldn't homeschool him, and i sometimes regret that (especially if i am "radical" enough by the time the babies go to school to do it, or provide tutors, or an alternative to public school education.

i am afraid of the world, and rightly so, in my opinion. i was programmed for the first 18 years of my life with a terrible impression of the world and the people in it. i was bullied by children, by teachers, and by the relentless pity and disgust of the adults i came into contact with for the first half of my entire life, so far.

so i chose obliviousness of the "world's ways", i suppose. first through the drug culture and then through my own self-absorbed mindgames. i just cannot bear to look outward into the world. i don't know if i am just too weak for it, too impressionable...i read a great thing the other day. a woman was saying how she always felt when her son was young that she had to protect him more because he was "easily corruptible".! imagine a mother being able to have the guts and sight and nerve to say that about her own child! it was a very freeing sentence for me to read.
and i called my best friend right away. i said to her "that word that we have been looking for all these years to describe what has been 'wrong' with us...that word is corruptible" and we just flew like birds on the hearing of those words. imagine the duality of that word and you can possibly get a glimpse of the duality inside myself that i am thinking of. it really is a good root word to describe my madness, on many levels.

corruptible- that which has the possibility of being corrupted, that which may decay and perish.
the iron gate needs only to be breathed upon and it can rust.

i have a hugely difficult time paying attention to the corruption in the world (and it is pretty complete, at this point, in my opinion) because i am "easily corruptible". it is sooooo easy for me to "go bad" to "feel BAD" for me to get "rusted away" with the acidic nature of the world's evil.
much easier than me to be "overcome by the world's good" (ha!)

where is the world's good?

sure i know there is some good, so i cling to it. i savor the very simplest things. the very smallest treasures in my children, home, sight, sound, taste, touch, smell, in nature...
because it is stacked up against an inferno of "corruption" in my mind. one that is eaten away by stories of teenagers beating each other and cutting themselves and having 100,000 dollar birthday parties and all sorts of other atrocities. a mind that is absolutely flaked apart by the chipping away of the negative media, one that has drowned in the tsunami of consumerism, and left to rust with speculation.

Left to be corroded by thoughts of the end of the world, of a fear of hell, of uncertainty, depression, the challenges of mothering , of spiritual warfare, of poverty, of underacheiving, of politics and the battle for the souls of the populace, of apathy, of shock at the state of the outside world, paralysis that makes me unable to do a damn thing about it, just be eaten alive as i sit.

I will never understand the evil of the outside world, for even when i am directly confronted with it i have to run away. I have to stand there and get beaten, because if i were to hit back it would kill me. I think depressing things so the rest of the world can think of other things.
inside of all of this, though i have a little flower of hope. the fragilest flower. one that cannot even be tended to or it would be destroyed by the help. it can merely be looked at in wonderment, admired for its tiny, colorful fragility.

my love of my children, my attempts at loving my husband, my friendships with the few people i have allowed into my life, my efforts at caring about my wider family, my love of seeing beauty, my almost hedonistic abandon to experience the simple pleasures of life, my wobbly spirituality....all of these things sustain me.

all of these few things (and all of the beauty in the world) stack a nice little pile of gifts for me to sit amongst, trying to avoid the inevitable encroachments of the evil in the world beyond my own limited experience.

i conclude this (nutjobmcspazzatron) writing with a quote i found by charles dickens...it was ok.

"He saw that men who worked hard, and earned their scanty bread with lives of labour, were cheerful and happy; and that to the most ignorant, the sweet face of Nature was a never-failing source of cheerfulness and joy. He saw those who had been delicately nurtured, and tenderly brought up, cheerful under privations, and superior to suffering, that would have crushed many of a rougher grain, because they bore within their own bosoms the materials of happiness, contentment, and peace. He saw that women, the tenderest and most fragile of all God's creatures, were the oftenest superior to sorrow, adversity, and distress; and he saw that it was because they bore, in their own hearts, an inexhaustible well-spring of affection and devotion. Above all, he saw that men like himself, who snarled at the mirth and cheerfulness of others, were the foulest weeds on the fair surface of the earth; and setting all the good of the world against the evil, he came to the conclusion that it was a very decent and respectable sort of world after all."

EARTHQUAKE!!!!

This morning, before dawn, River woke up. Jonathan said to me "will you go make his bottle if i change him?" i said "sure" (because that is by far the better end of THAT deal haha) and proceeded to go get the bottle. When i got downstairs, I checked the time on the defunct cell phone i use as an alarm clock. 5:07. If i got back to bed and Fred went back to sleep i would have approximately an hour and 20 minutes to SLEEP until my alarm clock was to go off at its appointed 6:30a.m. When I got back, we gave the bottle to the newly fresh Fred, who i didnt think was gonna go back to sleep, and by this time Bella was stirring and i had the dreaded thought that my day was going to start 87 minutes ahead of schedule (and 360 minutes after i went to bed). Not good.

But i laid back down anyway, hoping against hope. And i really was falling back to sleep! yay! i can only convey this if you have had two babies at once....if not, i don't know if you can really savor how sweet that falling back to sleep was. but you can try. it was nice. i was drifting in "thought" between marshmallow clouds, various people i have known in my life, and pirhannas (dont ask me, thats just what was in the old memory bank. the IMPORTANT thing was that i wasnt thinking about babies and dread)

Next thing i know (and i wasn't in that KNOWING place just that lovely beautiful dark floating place JUST before sleep) i hear Jonathan gently bark to me, "Can you please stop shaking???"
Now, i have had restless leg syndrome since LONG before the commercials. I know it is annoying. but i woke up PISSED, because i only have the rls when i CAN'T sleep, when i am overwrought and (probably shouldnt be) TRYING to go to sleep. This was NOT that. this was floaty clouds and 84 more minutes of precious, fragile sleep.

When he said that, and i subsequently reeeeeally was awake for the DAY (Which i cursed with at least the F D and S words in the first 5 seconds) bella DID wake up and i summoned ANY nice and gratitude and flimsy positivity in me, said my little prayer (which may have included the F and S words this morning, but i tried!) and stood up on my own two feet to start the day.

Brought Bella downstairs and sat in the blackblue dawning while she had a bottle and melted her body to mine like a little monkey, a little primate. She dozed off and I laid her down and went and had my morning smoke.

Then logged in (to the sounds of snoring Jonathan and Fred, the morning banes) to my email and saw that there had been an EARTHQUAKE at 4:47am CST. So that explains it all. Sure, people will say "that was in illinois, iowa, and indiana, you are in Ohio and you are a crackpot for thinking you felt it!" (although i doubt anyone would be emotional enough to be exclamation-point about it, but i am, so i added it for emphasis)

But, that kind of thing happens to me a LOT...and i have learned, (after i saw a strange venus-mars-moon lineup just before 9/11 and said to some teenagers i worked with "you guys, something is going to happen and two planes are going to crash on the same day and it may just somehow start world war three") that it is veeeeeeeery important for me to somehow express when synchronicity happens to me. and i have.

gratitude NOW!

so here i am. in ohio. the shock has worn off...
the money should start up again soon. (that was RUFF)... the house is settling (that was even RUFFER)...
it is two months till poultry days and i can put up with ANYTHING for two months haha...
sebastian was named STUDENT OF THE WEEK his first week in school (and i have asked my mother and no, they don’t do that to all the new kids :) )...
my sister kept a bookcase that my dad gave me in safekeeping all this time (bless her) and i SET IT UP with my favorite most comforting beauties and preciouses and THAT was perhaps the BEST thing i have done in my life and feels soooo good that i can’t wait for the babies to grow up so i can lay in bed and look at it and read for just ONE rainy day...
we wake up when the birds wake up and go to bed when the birds are going to bed...
i have a lovely "smoking porch"...
i get the internet thursday at mine own house, and am LOVING the brantspace (very therapeutic and goooood)...
my mommy, brother, and sisters have been great to be with and my neices are precious jewels...
thinking about the blissful "summer schedule" and looking foreward to QUIET HOUR...zzzz...
will be hooking up the financial aid for college soon and may just take humanities and literature for shits and giggles to get STARTED...
haven’t even had creekside pizza yet!, but have had maidrite (yum)...
the moon was a horseshoe crescent last night at sunset. rapture!!!...
speaking of the moon, bellaluna rolled over yesterday...
fred likes THE OUTSIDE like he’s a 2 year old huck finn...
got a family library card and am reading alan alda’s memoir before i dig into hillary’s...
have read the secret life of bees AND little women (ahhhh)..
i can breathe here and it is so wet and green and good...
you can see the sunset (unlike the crappy mountains)....
soooo many trees and summer is peeking out...
i have crocus and daffies and am gonna start the sunflowers posthaste (and the lavender and echinacea and the zinnias and the carrots and...)...
people speak english here (or at least some form of it :)...
have cemeteries to visit, but i am one who likes that...
my wardrobe consists of a pair of grey cords, a pair of brown cords, a pair of jeans and miscellaneous pretty shirts and a "librarian sweater" and a pink shawl, i am COMFORTABLE with my wardrobe for perhaps the first time...
will register to vote soon (two more ohio votes for hillary- i hope!)...
i cracked open the record-player/cd/tape/radio FINALLY and am in heaven listening to my dayton classical and my oxford npr and my sidney hodgepodge stations and my TUE...
can a date night in the oregon district be far off?!...
happy that my computer friends still luv me...
and my beauty cousin nikki and all my cousins...
things are nice...
how could i complain??! how?

my proposed editorial to the greeley tribune

(originally posted march 9, 2007)

Link to Dingleberry's editorial:
http://www.greeleytrib.com/article/20080309/TRIBEDIT/4614958

My Rebuttal:

I am writing this column in response to the Editorial by Edwin Ruis on March 9, 2008. It is a column that I meant to write long ago and I have decided that the time to write it is now.
Mr. Ruis would possibly want to lead us to believe that The Tribune is full of macabre, death-obsessed, prejudice-inciting, "reality" because we, as readers, have an unnatural curiosity and appetite for it. I would say that The Tribune prints such horrible "news" everyday not because we can "decide to turn our faces if we don't want to see it", as Mr. Ruis asserts (which would be quite unfortunate for The Tribune employees' pocketbooks) but because The Tribune makes money by contributing to the atmosphere of Terror and Over-sensationalism of the Macabre that is the current national media.
I have a case in point, which is why I was going to compose this letter long ago. Until I read Mr. Ruis' article, I felt I would've appeared on the defensive- a grieving former wife and "Mama Bear". Now, I have the chance to be convincing on the offensive-as a member of the human community, who are desperately trying to shield our few remaining brain cells from the death-obsessed brainwashing of the Media.
Here is my example of how "Reality" is, and of The Tribune's commitment to "reflect the way things are without transforming reality into what we would want it to be", as Mr. Ruis defines "what journalism is all about".
Last July, my eight-year-old son was visiting his dad. There was a rainstorm, the storm cleared, and they went toy boat racing in the ditch in Eaton. Fun and Frolicking ensued and in one tiny bone-headed moment, my child's dad dove into the ditch. In that one millisecond, my son's father broke his neck and my child had to run and call 911 as his father drowned.
Did The Tribune report on the Reality of what his little heart felt like beating in his chest? Did The Tribune report on the Reality of his banging on neighboring doors until someone, anyone answered and he could call 911 and his mama? I don't remember reading about that in the week of intensive daily reporting of that millisecond that followed in The Tribune.
And I most certainly don't remember reading in The Tribune about the most heartbreaking "Reality" of this tragedy that, second to his father's death, is the most disturbing part of the Reality for my son, when he tells his story. The part where he "just wanted to be alone" but The Tribune reporter wouldn't leave him alone. The Tribune reporter that my son says made him feel like "he was Paris Hilton and the reporter was the paparazzi" minutes after his father was hurt and before he had a parent there with him.
This is the Reality that The Greeley Tribune feasts upon, digests to its own perception, and then regurgitates into the minds of its news-hungry readers.
Please do not forget this when you see front-page pictures of people in anguish when their houses have just burned to the ground, or third page pictures of shoes in fields where someone's father, uncle, mother, lover, or child has just been thrown from a vehicle. Please remember that The Tribune is most certainly "transforming reality" to sell newspapers and win journalism awards.
Reality is everything. Reality was a Tribune reporter bombarding my child with questions while he was all alone in the world with out a grown up as he watched is father get CPR. Reality is me, his mother, who has imagined writing about this in an impactive way since the day that happened to him, to me, to our whole family who had been shaken to the core and then had "coverage" in The Tribune. And Reality is you, the Reader, who has taken the time to read what I have written and should think very realistically if what you would want when the Unthinkable happens is a Tribune photographer with a zoom lens asking you, or worse, your minor child, about it in order to feed a macabre appetite that they seem to believe exists.
I am not sure what "looking in the mirror" has to do with the good or bad news in the paper, but I hope that the "photojournalists" who hounded my child can look in the mirror with pride at their "journalistic achievement", for I can certainly now look in the mirror with pride at having exposed it.

how to bury your ex-husband

(originally posted july 21, 2007)

i have no idea why i have such a compulsion to sit here right exactly at this moment in time and right(haha, freudian slip!) write this. but i am using my precious minutes away from my house/children/responsibilities to type on here (and share) what i cannot seem to say in a five subject notebook (usually my most calming activity) or on any scrap of paper or with my mouth....

i have no idea which or who of you will read this...i don't know what your relationship to me or to sebastian or bobby is....i just have to type some stuff so that i won't have to EXPLAIN it next time i talk or type with you (whenever i will be blessed to do that).
so, here is the nitty gritty, and after that, my mind's nooks and crannies....


Robert Williams (November 5, 1977 - July 14, 2007) Guest Book Sign Guest Book Send Private Condolences

Robert "Bobby" Williams, 29, of Eaton, died as a result of an accident on Saturday, July 14, 2007 at the Medical Center of the Rockies in Loveland.
Bobby was born on November 5, 1977 in Killeen, Texas. He has lived in Eaton for most of his life and graduated from the Weld Opportunity School. He married Steffani Jennings in 1998 in Greeley. They later divorced.
He was a master plumber and he began his career with Plumbing Services Incorporated in Loveland. He went on to own and operate his own business, Williams Custom Plumbing for many years. Bobby was an avid collector of Star Wars memorabilia and he also collected and restored old Ford Ranchero cars and he also loved listening to Beetle's music. His family wants everyone to know that he loved life and especially loved spending time with his son; Sebastian.
Survivors include his son, Sebastian Williams of Greeley; his mother and step father, Terry and Steve Hinton of Eaton, his adopted father, Michael L. Williams of Eaton; 2 Brothers, Andrew Williams of Loveland and Charlie Williams of Greeley; his grandparents, Jake and Ella Mae White of Eaton and Dorothy and Laverne Williams of Greeley; his great grandmother, Edith Nieberger of Greeley; several aunts and uncles including, David White and his wife Iris of Eaton, Annette Adams of Eaton and Vicki Devitt of Wheatridge; special friends, Jerame Sheets of Eaton, Patsy Drewer of Greeley, Bobbi Jo Sheets and Brenna Sheets both of Greeley and his biological father, Robert Dorsett of Texas. He is preceded in death by his great grandparents, Clifford and Rosalee White and great grandfather Carl Nieberger.
A graveside service to celebrate Bobby's life will be held at 10:00 a.m. on Friday, July 20, 2007 at the Eaton Cemetery. Visitation will be from 6:00 until 8:00 p.m. on Thursday at the Moser Funeral Service Chapel, 3501 S. 11th Avenue in Evans.
Memorial gifts may be made to the Bobby Williams memorial fund in care of Moser Funeral Service, 3501 S. 11th Avenue, Evans, Colorado 80620.


where i am is sooooo delicate. where i am is rocksolid butterfly's wings. where i am is very grown up. very adult. very tender. very scary. where i am is so different from where i was last week.
the alluded to accident occured while bastian was on his two week summer visitation. sebastian, his dad, and his dad's girlfriend went sailing toy boats in an irrigation ditch in town. the boats were getting away and bobby dove in (hotdogging around, no doubt) to get them and broke his neck. sebastian was the one who ran for help and called 911. a couple of "hospital days" followed culminating in a visit by sebastian and i as they decided to take bobby off of life support, and saturday morning last he was gone when we woke up. then thursday the viewing and yesterday morning the burial and today the first day after...

my son has lost his father. it is so heavy and requires me to try to be so light.
we have all lost something and become new and different people.
i am not doing very well expressing all of this. sorry.

i am feeling very lonely. i am feeling very shaky inside but like a stonewall of comfort outside for bastian. i would love to hear from anyone who can validate my worth and strength to any degree.

if you have any questions, PLEASE ASK THEM. it helps me sooo much to find answers and search myself and learn what i am going through.

if you have children...love them. teach them about the "spiritworld" now, so you are more prepared "WHEN THE TIME COMES" for them to suddenly grasp to understand. if you have children...talk to them. explain everything all the time and it makes the incomprehensible and unimaginable more able to make sense in the clincher. if you have children...talk to them about life, know that they are the carriers of all that is precious in life, in innocence, and in beauty.

if you have boys or girls that you loved (or married) when you were young and now you are "old" and you still think of them, wonder about them, worry for them, or have any regret whatsoever, FIND THEM AND TELL THEM ALL ABOUT IT. write about it and resolve things for yourself first and then, if possible, if in your heart it nags or feels necessary, see if you can't make them feel better or more understanding.
if you are just starting out in life and do not have such "GROWN UP CONCERNS" as children and marriage and divorce and death, explore why not. thank your lucky star that you do not have these griefs and joys and complications and wish for the strength to be able to meet the challenges as they jump out from behind darkened corners of life and shock the breath out of you.
i must go now. please consider what i have suggested. i am not doing so to be bossy but to share what i have learned can benefit others whether they know so from past experience, have no idea they may need to know so in the future, or are able to understand a word of it because they are and have been where i have walked this week.
***namaste***

infidels!

(originally posted june 22, 2007)

i have spent the past YEAR in a near-constant study of infidelity having been placed in this terrible position (rather than having been the one doing the placing, but as i have learnt, that is merely luck, i think)...

i must start by saying that i have found incidents in my past that make me not so perfect in the cheaty department...i didn't have to think too long and hard, either...there are some glaring examples in my shady-as-under-a-willow past...i had just not been cheated on (sort of) because before my first husband i hadn't allowed myself to be IN A RELATIONSHIP. That, or no one allowed themselves to be IN A RELATIONSHIP with me...

Previously, i was the "cheated with" (courtesan is the word i use when in a good mood about the whole thing, which is rare, but happens) but not this time...this time i was the "cuckoldess" ...(the word i use when i try to be witty) and it has been a one way trip to worse-than-hell and back...
Most pitiful part of the whole thing is that i wasn't cheated on physically...i was cheated on emotionally/mentally/retardedly...and i still had to go through an entire year of near constant study about infidelity! (anyone else wanna sign up to be me?? god musta spent a little more time on me! ha)

I am gonna be contradicted here (and have been) but i MUST say that i would rather have been cheated on physically than what i have endured... but i also always seem to get myself mixed up with boys i woulda rather had hit me than emotionally/mentally/not-so-retardedly (i want to say "abused" but i will say...) fucked with me instead....

However it happened (really, if you wanna know and have a year and a half to listen, ask and i will tell you everything) it was almost unbearable to endure...it was the fire my selfworth had to trudge through, to say the least...and i am (maybe) almost out of the woods now...

The interesting aspect (or disgusting, whichever your mood or level of respect for me, i suppose) is that i found that A LOT of men cheat when their women are pregnant...and what a GREAT zippadeedoodah time to do it too! And when i thought back to my cheaty escapades, they all happened (that i know of) with men whose women were pregnant! This makes me evil, and i hadn't even acknowledged that before this happened to me...Two times with the same guy several years apart. Two different babymamas and me! It really did shock me...One was an "intellectual dalliance" i carried on with a man DIRECTLY before I met my current husband.

So when instant karma reared its ugly/beautiful head(s) how was i so shocked?! How did it take this long to suffer through?? Perhaps it was the post-partum depression, perhaps i really DESERVED to suffer for what i had done to the other women and it really WASN'T about what had been (Boo HOO HOO HOO HOO) done to me...

Whatever my lesson is, i am writing this to pay it forward to anyone with any sort of second thoughts about their relationships...IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO BE OPEN AND HONEST...seriously. If a friendship is too friendly, or a piece of ass is THAT tempting...it is really a good idea to be MATURE enough to TALK about things with your partner rater than pissing off the karma police, as i have done, and now as my partner has had to suffer through with me for an entire year...

And, for the love of Pete, if there are children involved...need i even say more? Are we going to be the evolutionary generation who does HONESTLY better for our children than was done to us or aren't we?!

Thank you for reading this far...after 399 days...firstdraftnorevision...

Have a beautiful day and be loving to each other...

waking life

(originally posted february 13, 2006)

i am a huge fan of pretention...i really look for it in other people, it is one of the qualities i am most attracted to, for some reason....perhaps because i believe that the people of my generation (post nam'mers) are the biggest poser bastards that have ever walked the face of the earth, i would even say above these new juggalo kids that wear studs and halloween makeup to look tough...because the people of my generation try to use four and five and six and eight syllable words to justify their philosophies...

case in point...the boyfriend rented waking life...i had made it this far in my life without being exposed to it, but since he is an art school alumnus he thought i would be mesmerized by its entertainment value...and because i assume (and rightly so) that he thinks that i am the most intelligent person he has ever met in person, he probably thought that i would be wowed by the eight syllable pontifications....
c
ouldn't've been more wrong....he should've learned when he forced me to watch the matrix last spring after i had managed to avoid it for THAT long....i hated the matrix with a passion that i still haven't been able to put words to...i sat there and thought the whole time "ok, i knew all this in third grade...where is the smart thought provoking stuff?"...i am also a big hater of computer graphic stuff in movies...i am an old school actors' actor....but i suffered through the thing and swallowed it all down and liked the black lady in the kitchen part rather well i remember...
then this waking life crap...i have had less than 24 hours to think about this movie and i think that is 23 1/2 hours too long...but i just have one comment to make about it at the moment...
there is the part where i would imagine its the anthropologist is talking about evolution and is talking about "telescopic evolution" and how it took so many billion and then million and then hundred thousand and then hundred fifty years and that evolution would continue to speed up like that...

i woke up this morning and the song "old time rock n roll" by bob seger was on the oldies station when i was in the shower... that's all that guy would've had to say and i would've bought it hook line and sinker...that someday evolution would advance so quickly that a thirty year old woman would hear the song "old time rock and roll" on the oldies channel...simple and no word more than 4 syllables, that word being evolution...