Thursday, June 19, 2008

sebastian walked around a few weeks ago humming "you're a grand old flag" and muttering about lord of the rings. everytime i turned around he was muttering about lord of the rings and humming you're a grand old flag. by the time i paid attention he had created this idea for this video and jonathan put it together with him on the computer. i am proud of him. it is neat.

we put it on youtube and within 24 hours he could google himself and then he felt FAMOUS over "something i made... i dont believe i am famous for something i made"

so i am putting it as my second clip of the day to share it.

mother's day musing

(originally posted may 12, 2008)

when i remember my frustration about my husband when he is in between jobs, it is then that i am amazed that i don't think about the feelings of frustration he must have that i am a stay at home mom.

then i feel guilty for a minute.

then i remember his absolute rocksolid core belief statement that one of the parents NEEDS to be home for the children and his admission that he is incapable of that...

then i feel ok for a long time...

persephone

(originally posted may 4, 2008)

Goddess Persephone epitomizes the maiden daughter archetype - eager to please and expectant, waiting for destiny to happen upon her and change her life, rather than actively seeking out her own design.

Her energy is passive and guileless - until she is abruptly taken hostage and violated.
When the mythic god of the Underworld erupts above ground, abducting the innocent Persephone, her psyche and perception are forever changed.

She is ripped from the security of her mother's embrace and dragged into the role of wife and Queen. From the green maiden of spring, to the mistress of the dark, Persephone becomes the Queen of the Dead.

Most of us can identify with the maiden Persephone. We all have a mother. We all have experienced innocence and dependency, and eventually we will all experience archetypal betrayal, held emotionally hostage by family, lover, illness, or community expectations. Jungian analyst Jean Shinoda Bolen identifies Persephone as one of the vulnerable Goddesses, defined primarily by her relationship to others. Persephone's psychological vulnerability is depression, triggered by boundary violation and abandonment. Ultimately, however, it is also the seed of her hidden strength.

In response to loss, powerlessness or abuse, many descend as Persephone into their own wintertime of shadows and depression, to a darkly lit journey of the soul, struggling with a profound sense of betrayal and lost innocence. Triggered by divorce, rape, or an invasion of boundaries by a toxic circumstance, the archetypal experience of Persephone's journey challenges us to go within our deepest Self, to re-evaluate, and grieve our losses. Depression is a natural response to soul wounding experiences, and if approached without judgment, much healthier than denial. Often the only way through – is down. This is the spiral way to wisdom. Into the dark and unknown.

Persephone's underworld journey acquaints her with death and suffering, and this, in turn, cultivates empathy and the gift of compassion (symbolized by her acceptance of the pomegranate seeds). When we engage our pain, and willingly face our fears, we may also, like Persephone, emerge in the spring, reborn from our night journey, richer in intuitive wisdom and insight.

The alchemical journey of Persephone is the journey we all eventually embark upon; often kicking and screaming in protest. We may not willingly enter our shadow selves, endure depression, or confront our fears and the meaning of death, yet such an exploration leads us to uncover our spiritual center. It challenges our beliefs and pushes us to deepen our awareness, to question our values, and to discover our innate connection to the divine. It leads us to soul. And soul leads us to magic. Magic happens when we align our true intention with the divine spark within. Ego and will may dictate our desires, but soul work beckons us to discover our authenticity. Magic happens when we open our hearts in compassion and allow the divine to gift us with insight, synchronicity, and grace.

When faced with loss, illness, or the death of a loved one, we may ask, "Why did this happen?" or "Why is this happening to me?" We may feel anger and outrage; and anger may linger, often underground. The absence of obvious anger may reveal its shadow is afoot. Depression is often anger turned inward. Acknowledging and working through our anger in an honest, healthy way; expressing it consciously through journal writing, frank discussion, painting, pounding bread dough or pottery clay, or crafting personal ritual; helps free the spirit from the grip of depression and anger.

Working through anger puts us smack in the center of the cauldron, in the fire of transformation. In the heat of the flames we are transformed. We gain insight and clarity, and become free to make proactive choices and embrace change. But until we surrender, we will not experience the alchemical fire that burns off the old self and delivers us, reborn, as the mythical phoenix from the ashes. This is inner work. Surrender is an inward journey to one's center, one's soul. In the mythic dark night of isolation, surrender is hard, especially for the ego. The ego views surrender as a death. But surrender is necessary for growth.

Through embracing our grief and difficult times, by keeping a journal and digging into dream work, we surrender to our own underworld and travel with Persephone, through the unknown realm of the dead, to face our darkest fears, and explore the aspects of our unknown Self. Persephone leads us into the dark. And we are wiser for it.
***kari ann alrich

the optimists creed

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

EARTHQUAKE!!!!

This morning, before dawn, River woke up. Jonathan said to me "will you go make his bottle if i change him?" i said "sure" (because that is by far the better end of THAT deal haha) and proceeded to go get the bottle. When i got downstairs, I checked the time on the defunct cell phone i use as an alarm clock. 5:07. If i got back to bed and Fred went back to sleep i would have approximately an hour and 20 minutes to SLEEP until my alarm clock was to go off at its appointed 6:30a.m. When I got back, we gave the bottle to the newly fresh Fred, who i didnt think was gonna go back to sleep, and by this time Bella was stirring and i had the dreaded thought that my day was going to start 87 minutes ahead of schedule (and 360 minutes after i went to bed). Not good.

But i laid back down anyway, hoping against hope. And i really was falling back to sleep! yay! i can only convey this if you have had two babies at once....if not, i don't know if you can really savor how sweet that falling back to sleep was. but you can try. it was nice. i was drifting in "thought" between marshmallow clouds, various people i have known in my life, and pirhannas (dont ask me, thats just what was in the old memory bank. the IMPORTANT thing was that i wasnt thinking about babies and dread)

Next thing i know (and i wasn't in that KNOWING place just that lovely beautiful dark floating place JUST before sleep) i hear Jonathan gently bark to me, "Can you please stop shaking???"
Now, i have had restless leg syndrome since LONG before the commercials. I know it is annoying. but i woke up PISSED, because i only have the rls when i CAN'T sleep, when i am overwrought and (probably shouldnt be) TRYING to go to sleep. This was NOT that. this was floaty clouds and 84 more minutes of precious, fragile sleep.

When he said that, and i subsequently reeeeeally was awake for the DAY (Which i cursed with at least the F D and S words in the first 5 seconds) bella DID wake up and i summoned ANY nice and gratitude and flimsy positivity in me, said my little prayer (which may have included the F and S words this morning, but i tried!) and stood up on my own two feet to start the day.

Brought Bella downstairs and sat in the blackblue dawning while she had a bottle and melted her body to mine like a little monkey, a little primate. She dozed off and I laid her down and went and had my morning smoke.

Then logged in (to the sounds of snoring Jonathan and Fred, the morning banes) to my email and saw that there had been an EARTHQUAKE at 4:47am CST. So that explains it all. Sure, people will say "that was in illinois, iowa, and indiana, you are in Ohio and you are a crackpot for thinking you felt it!" (although i doubt anyone would be emotional enough to be exclamation-point about it, but i am, so i added it for emphasis)

But, that kind of thing happens to me a LOT...and i have learned, (after i saw a strange venus-mars-moon lineup just before 9/11 and said to some teenagers i worked with "you guys, something is going to happen and two planes are going to crash on the same day and it may just somehow start world war three") that it is veeeeeeeery important for me to somehow express when synchronicity happens to me. and i have.

gratitude NOW!

so here i am. in ohio. the shock has worn off...
the money should start up again soon. (that was RUFF)... the house is settling (that was even RUFFER)...
it is two months till poultry days and i can put up with ANYTHING for two months haha...
sebastian was named STUDENT OF THE WEEK his first week in school (and i have asked my mother and no, they don’t do that to all the new kids :) )...
my sister kept a bookcase that my dad gave me in safekeeping all this time (bless her) and i SET IT UP with my favorite most comforting beauties and preciouses and THAT was perhaps the BEST thing i have done in my life and feels soooo good that i can’t wait for the babies to grow up so i can lay in bed and look at it and read for just ONE rainy day...
we wake up when the birds wake up and go to bed when the birds are going to bed...
i have a lovely "smoking porch"...
i get the internet thursday at mine own house, and am LOVING the brantspace (very therapeutic and goooood)...
my mommy, brother, and sisters have been great to be with and my neices are precious jewels...
thinking about the blissful "summer schedule" and looking foreward to QUIET HOUR...zzzz...
will be hooking up the financial aid for college soon and may just take humanities and literature for shits and giggles to get STARTED...
haven’t even had creekside pizza yet!, but have had maidrite (yum)...
the moon was a horseshoe crescent last night at sunset. rapture!!!...
speaking of the moon, bellaluna rolled over yesterday...
fred likes THE OUTSIDE like he’s a 2 year old huck finn...
got a family library card and am reading alan alda’s memoir before i dig into hillary’s...
have read the secret life of bees AND little women (ahhhh)..
i can breathe here and it is so wet and green and good...
you can see the sunset (unlike the crappy mountains)....
soooo many trees and summer is peeking out...
i have crocus and daffies and am gonna start the sunflowers posthaste (and the lavender and echinacea and the zinnias and the carrots and...)...
people speak english here (or at least some form of it :)...
have cemeteries to visit, but i am one who likes that...
my wardrobe consists of a pair of grey cords, a pair of brown cords, a pair of jeans and miscellaneous pretty shirts and a "librarian sweater" and a pink shawl, i am COMFORTABLE with my wardrobe for perhaps the first time...
will register to vote soon (two more ohio votes for hillary- i hope!)...
i cracked open the record-player/cd/tape/radio FINALLY and am in heaven listening to my dayton classical and my oxford npr and my sidney hodgepodge stations and my TUE...
can a date night in the oregon district be far off?!...
happy that my computer friends still luv me...
and my beauty cousin nikki and all my cousins...
things are nice...
how could i complain??! how?

my proposed editorial to the greeley tribune

(originally posted march 9, 2007)

Link to Dingleberry's editorial:
http://www.greeleytrib.com/article/20080309/TRIBEDIT/4614958

My Rebuttal:

I am writing this column in response to the Editorial by Edwin Ruis on March 9, 2008. It is a column that I meant to write long ago and I have decided that the time to write it is now.
Mr. Ruis would possibly want to lead us to believe that The Tribune is full of macabre, death-obsessed, prejudice-inciting, "reality" because we, as readers, have an unnatural curiosity and appetite for it. I would say that The Tribune prints such horrible "news" everyday not because we can "decide to turn our faces if we don't want to see it", as Mr. Ruis asserts (which would be quite unfortunate for The Tribune employees' pocketbooks) but because The Tribune makes money by contributing to the atmosphere of Terror and Over-sensationalism of the Macabre that is the current national media.
I have a case in point, which is why I was going to compose this letter long ago. Until I read Mr. Ruis' article, I felt I would've appeared on the defensive- a grieving former wife and "Mama Bear". Now, I have the chance to be convincing on the offensive-as a member of the human community, who are desperately trying to shield our few remaining brain cells from the death-obsessed brainwashing of the Media.
Here is my example of how "Reality" is, and of The Tribune's commitment to "reflect the way things are without transforming reality into what we would want it to be", as Mr. Ruis defines "what journalism is all about".
Last July, my eight-year-old son was visiting his dad. There was a rainstorm, the storm cleared, and they went toy boat racing in the ditch in Eaton. Fun and Frolicking ensued and in one tiny bone-headed moment, my child's dad dove into the ditch. In that one millisecond, my son's father broke his neck and my child had to run and call 911 as his father drowned.
Did The Tribune report on the Reality of what his little heart felt like beating in his chest? Did The Tribune report on the Reality of his banging on neighboring doors until someone, anyone answered and he could call 911 and his mama? I don't remember reading about that in the week of intensive daily reporting of that millisecond that followed in The Tribune.
And I most certainly don't remember reading in The Tribune about the most heartbreaking "Reality" of this tragedy that, second to his father's death, is the most disturbing part of the Reality for my son, when he tells his story. The part where he "just wanted to be alone" but The Tribune reporter wouldn't leave him alone. The Tribune reporter that my son says made him feel like "he was Paris Hilton and the reporter was the paparazzi" minutes after his father was hurt and before he had a parent there with him.
This is the Reality that The Greeley Tribune feasts upon, digests to its own perception, and then regurgitates into the minds of its news-hungry readers.
Please do not forget this when you see front-page pictures of people in anguish when their houses have just burned to the ground, or third page pictures of shoes in fields where someone's father, uncle, mother, lover, or child has just been thrown from a vehicle. Please remember that The Tribune is most certainly "transforming reality" to sell newspapers and win journalism awards.
Reality is everything. Reality was a Tribune reporter bombarding my child with questions while he was all alone in the world with out a grown up as he watched is father get CPR. Reality is me, his mother, who has imagined writing about this in an impactive way since the day that happened to him, to me, to our whole family who had been shaken to the core and then had "coverage" in The Tribune. And Reality is you, the Reader, who has taken the time to read what I have written and should think very realistically if what you would want when the Unthinkable happens is a Tribune photographer with a zoom lens asking you, or worse, your minor child, about it in order to feed a macabre appetite that they seem to believe exists.
I am not sure what "looking in the mirror" has to do with the good or bad news in the paper, but I hope that the "photojournalists" who hounded my child can look in the mirror with pride at their "journalistic achievement", for I can certainly now look in the mirror with pride at having exposed it.

how to bury your ex-husband

(originally posted july 21, 2007)

i have no idea why i have such a compulsion to sit here right exactly at this moment in time and right(haha, freudian slip!) write this. but i am using my precious minutes away from my house/children/responsibilities to type on here (and share) what i cannot seem to say in a five subject notebook (usually my most calming activity) or on any scrap of paper or with my mouth....

i have no idea which or who of you will read this...i don't know what your relationship to me or to sebastian or bobby is....i just have to type some stuff so that i won't have to EXPLAIN it next time i talk or type with you (whenever i will be blessed to do that).
so, here is the nitty gritty, and after that, my mind's nooks and crannies....


Robert Williams (November 5, 1977 - July 14, 2007) Guest Book Sign Guest Book Send Private Condolences

Robert "Bobby" Williams, 29, of Eaton, died as a result of an accident on Saturday, July 14, 2007 at the Medical Center of the Rockies in Loveland.
Bobby was born on November 5, 1977 in Killeen, Texas. He has lived in Eaton for most of his life and graduated from the Weld Opportunity School. He married Steffani Jennings in 1998 in Greeley. They later divorced.
He was a master plumber and he began his career with Plumbing Services Incorporated in Loveland. He went on to own and operate his own business, Williams Custom Plumbing for many years. Bobby was an avid collector of Star Wars memorabilia and he also collected and restored old Ford Ranchero cars and he also loved listening to Beetle's music. His family wants everyone to know that he loved life and especially loved spending time with his son; Sebastian.
Survivors include his son, Sebastian Williams of Greeley; his mother and step father, Terry and Steve Hinton of Eaton, his adopted father, Michael L. Williams of Eaton; 2 Brothers, Andrew Williams of Loveland and Charlie Williams of Greeley; his grandparents, Jake and Ella Mae White of Eaton and Dorothy and Laverne Williams of Greeley; his great grandmother, Edith Nieberger of Greeley; several aunts and uncles including, David White and his wife Iris of Eaton, Annette Adams of Eaton and Vicki Devitt of Wheatridge; special friends, Jerame Sheets of Eaton, Patsy Drewer of Greeley, Bobbi Jo Sheets and Brenna Sheets both of Greeley and his biological father, Robert Dorsett of Texas. He is preceded in death by his great grandparents, Clifford and Rosalee White and great grandfather Carl Nieberger.
A graveside service to celebrate Bobby's life will be held at 10:00 a.m. on Friday, July 20, 2007 at the Eaton Cemetery. Visitation will be from 6:00 until 8:00 p.m. on Thursday at the Moser Funeral Service Chapel, 3501 S. 11th Avenue in Evans.
Memorial gifts may be made to the Bobby Williams memorial fund in care of Moser Funeral Service, 3501 S. 11th Avenue, Evans, Colorado 80620.


where i am is sooooo delicate. where i am is rocksolid butterfly's wings. where i am is very grown up. very adult. very tender. very scary. where i am is so different from where i was last week.
the alluded to accident occured while bastian was on his two week summer visitation. sebastian, his dad, and his dad's girlfriend went sailing toy boats in an irrigation ditch in town. the boats were getting away and bobby dove in (hotdogging around, no doubt) to get them and broke his neck. sebastian was the one who ran for help and called 911. a couple of "hospital days" followed culminating in a visit by sebastian and i as they decided to take bobby off of life support, and saturday morning last he was gone when we woke up. then thursday the viewing and yesterday morning the burial and today the first day after...

my son has lost his father. it is so heavy and requires me to try to be so light.
we have all lost something and become new and different people.
i am not doing very well expressing all of this. sorry.

i am feeling very lonely. i am feeling very shaky inside but like a stonewall of comfort outside for bastian. i would love to hear from anyone who can validate my worth and strength to any degree.

if you have any questions, PLEASE ASK THEM. it helps me sooo much to find answers and search myself and learn what i am going through.

if you have children...love them. teach them about the "spiritworld" now, so you are more prepared "WHEN THE TIME COMES" for them to suddenly grasp to understand. if you have children...talk to them. explain everything all the time and it makes the incomprehensible and unimaginable more able to make sense in the clincher. if you have children...talk to them about life, know that they are the carriers of all that is precious in life, in innocence, and in beauty.

if you have boys or girls that you loved (or married) when you were young and now you are "old" and you still think of them, wonder about them, worry for them, or have any regret whatsoever, FIND THEM AND TELL THEM ALL ABOUT IT. write about it and resolve things for yourself first and then, if possible, if in your heart it nags or feels necessary, see if you can't make them feel better or more understanding.
if you are just starting out in life and do not have such "GROWN UP CONCERNS" as children and marriage and divorce and death, explore why not. thank your lucky star that you do not have these griefs and joys and complications and wish for the strength to be able to meet the challenges as they jump out from behind darkened corners of life and shock the breath out of you.
i must go now. please consider what i have suggested. i am not doing so to be bossy but to share what i have learned can benefit others whether they know so from past experience, have no idea they may need to know so in the future, or are able to understand a word of it because they are and have been where i have walked this week.
***namaste***