Our Year Of Living (Beautifully) Without WalMart

Friday, January 8, 2010

happy birthday, sebastian...


Well, the year draws to a close and begins with this....as ever. As did my life, my youth, my rest of my life.....

Eleven years ago (give or take 10 1/2 months of pregnancy) I became a Mother. What more can be said? (all the words in the world couldn't say it...)

My dear, sweet, lovely, wonderful Sebastian. Who is now a young man....Who is on the precipice of the future. He wants to be a teacher when he grows up. He has already taught me most everything, so I know he can do it, if he chooses.....

The world's biggest heart. The young, broken, resilient heart....The big, meek, outspoken loveable kid.....The big brother I would've wanted....The son I am overly blessed to call mine....The grandson who brings such joy....The brother-protector and playmate....The scholar and wise little man....The pacifist, philosopher, debator, influencer, bookworm, prince....

I want to write his birth story, like I did the others. I will do my best to write it on paper, for him, in the next few days or so, as I have always planned to...But it is entirely too painful to share....To go INto.....

So I stay out here, where I can tell about the boy who is my dearest friend....The son I am maddeningly proud of.....The child who I hope I can succeed in grooming into proper manhood (whatever that will mean when he gets there)....The future father of my grandchildren (maybe...)....The future husband of my daughter in law (maybe).....The one that we all love so dearly.....

He was forced into the world, when he just wanted to stay curled up in his warm mother, and his warm mother I have ever aspired to be..... I have failed more than I have succeeded, in my mind...In his, I don't think I am much capable of failing...even after all of this....even after everything....The love that comes from that child and is gifted to me freely has sustained me through our darkest hours and our brightest moments....And I hope will forever and always....

To say that I love him is far too inadequate....To say that I am some of him, and that I could wish that there is Good in me that is close to being part of the good that is in him, that I honor what of him is me, that I will forever diligently nurture that within him that is his father, and that I hold utterly sacred that within him that is himself, would be far closer to the Truth....

FirstBorne Child....FirstLoved child....Our hopes and dreams are your legacy....You have already surpassed what my former ideas of goodness were, and continue to take my former ideas of greatness and wonder and fly them to the moon..........

Our souls are made of the same starstuff......and that makes me incredibly blissfull...

I love you and adore you and forever will....

Your Momma

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