Our Year Of Living (Beautifully) Without WalMart

Saturday, June 28, 2008

i think too much

(originally posted may 25, 2008)

i asked my mother WHEN i became so analytical.

thinking that maybe if some life TRAUMA or EXPERIENCE or AGE or developmental milestone triggered my nonstopswirling thought process i could narrow that down and figure out WHY i am like this and if i could figure out WHY i am so analytical and think soooooooooo much and cannot JUST ENJOY MYSELF i could learn HOW to stop THIS and learn something NEW.

my mother said "i would say you were always like this".

yay.

if i was born thinking too much and that is HOW I AM (and it has just become negative with age and exposure to people who don't THINK TOO MUCH) then i could change THINKING TOO MUCH like others could change their RACE or their GENDER or whatever it is THEY do or however much THEY think.

(i am always paperthin away from an emotional breakdown)

i have recently begun to observe my life (as it is now, not my past, for once) with the perspective that i very quite possibly have ADD, or some other lack of focus HABIT....i am studying this with the verve that i would put to studying blastocytes and lymphnomas if i were diagnosed with cancer.

because i have ALWAYS been like THIS.

i have ALWAYS thought TOO much.

when you were playing sports, or putting on makeup, or watching television, or getting trained for a career where you would make money, or having friends and doing fun things, or when you were planning executing and flourishing at life, I HAVE BEEN THINKING TOO MUCH.

and i cannot apologize for it. i cannot be sorry that i am so uptight.

it is who i am.

it is not fun.

it is rarely ever comfortable.

it isn't necessarily negative.

it is just realism to me.

i THINK TOO MUCH and love my children

i THINK TOO MUCH and have to pay bills just like all the other grownups

i THINK TOO MUCH and have never been on a date with my husband.

i THINK TOO MUCH and am a thirtytwo year old who has been married twice, divorced once (though i pretty much did the divorcing) widowed, and birthed three children (two of whom in the beautiful experience of unnattended home birth)

i THINK TOO MUCH and walked in on my dead father when i was 20 and have felt homeless eversince (until recently)

i THINK TOO MUCH and i had not the world's most stable childhood.

i THINK TOO MUCH and i have tried to avoid people as much as i can because they scare me, and i may have avoided people so long that i may never be able to be comfortable around them.

i THINK TOO MUCH and all i want is a GOOD LIFE for mySELF and my children.

i THINK TOO MUCH and i may never have that good life if i don't stop thinking too much.

until then, i just HAVE to make my own rules and avoid the mental institution (to the best of my ability)

but i know how to be happy

and i know how to be nice

and i know how to try to improve myself and my life.

i am an introvert in an extrovert world.

i am steffani and i THINK TOO MUCH.

and that is okay.

really.

don't worry.

i am good.

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