i cannot hold an outside job

because i go insane and cry...

and yet i give myself ZERO credit for being able and STRONG enough to stay home with these children 24/7/365...

why is that...

tonight i am going mad...just starkraving nuts inside...i want it to be BEDTIME so bad and it is 5:20 pm

i love the kids...i even like the house and i LOVE my beautiful things in it to make this a good life...

on paper everything is ok....

but i have been existing in a malaise that i have wanted to chock up the my old divorce, my new relationship's rocky start, pregnancy, grief that has been ENTIRELY unexpressed about my first husband's death, another pregnancy, a cross country move, poverty, low self esteem, hatred of doing dishes, one son being almost a pre-teen, the other one being TWO WITH A VENGENCE, a new (teething, diaperrash this week) baby, hormones of pregnancy & postpregnancy & new birthcontrol, the sun, the moon, the wind, the rain, the hot, the cold, the government, the internet addiction, the economy, the lack of a positive attitude, the bonetiredness that comes from not sleeping for a couple years, breastfeeding, infidelity, the sugar ants, the carpet being unsafe for human life, the stopping smoking and caffeine, lots and lots and lots of stuff...

but the truth is, i have only myself and my (computer addiction) *ahem* my lack of a postivive attitude, to blame...

i know that all good things will become possible when i BELIEVE that they are good and when i DO THE WORK to IMPROVE my life...

i have just NOT DONE THAT FOR A LONG LONG TIME...

i would LOVE to say i am rusty...

but i am downright atrophied....

what will fix this?

when will i start?

yeah...so thats my pms blog of the day...