Dear Sarah Palin,
Hello. My name is Steffani JoAnne Jennings-Williams-Crummett. I am a 32 year old woman from Ohio. I am writing today to thank you from the bottom of my heart for how you have helped me since a few weeks ago when i became aware of your existence.
I write to thank you as a challenge to the core of my soul. To see if i can truly live a life of Gratitude and Thankfulness to the Creator of My Universe. Every spiritual path i amble and meander down comes to a stop where i must begin to be grateful to the things in my life that are negative. I cannot seem to get past that point. So, in writing this letter to you today i am trying to break through one of the last barriers to my imperfect spirituality and after i am done writing this i may actually burst into a supernova of cosmic perfection...
I am sure that that last paragraph means precious little to you. As in your public persona you are a staunch Christian and in your private (in my perception) persona you MUST practice a kind of Black Satanism which has allowed you to rise in rank so rapidly in the republican party... In either of those cases you would not understand the Middle of the Road Woo Woo gratitude of which i speak, so i will try to lighten it up a little, put some lipstick on my spiritual pitbull, if you will, and try as best as i can to speak your language! Because it is of utmost importance to me that you can UNDERSTAND and FEEL my gratitude in your HEART (?) so that i can have gratitudinal absolution.
I am here today to thank you because in the few short weeks my perception of myself has been shaken to its core and all the rotten apples have been loosed from my mental tree and dropped to the ground to rot. The apples left on my tree are the golden ones that matter. My ability to see your example, contrast my virtues and vices against your example, be glad for my own personal strengths, and forgive my old gut wrenching weaknesses and former lowselfesteeminducing behaviors and attitudes have been a saving grace, and for that alone i thank you.
But i digress (as usual) let me be specific! (i KNOW you are busy plotting and scheming...whoopsie...travelling and meeting the american people and getting to know what stirs in their hearts in these troubled times...whoopsie...untroubled, republican controlled, just fine with jesus, on the fast track to the end times times...(i forget myself and get selfish sometimes and then have to backtrack and realize that it is MY job to appeal to YOU, the candidate because YOU are a CELEBRITY and not for YOU to meet ME in the middle and appeal to ME because YOU are auditioning to be an ELECTED (haha!) OFFICIAL and a REPRESENTITIVE OF ME THE PEOPLE...i will try harder to remember that as i ramble on...)
(i really do thank you for taking your time away from your five precious children, your employment as the Governor of a HUGE OIL STATE, and your god's calling in your whirlwind bid to be the understudy to the ruler of the free world in order to read this... i only have three kids and a small, ramshackle (under the national poverty level) home, i have no employment but the raising of my children and that is TOO MUCH for ME on most days!)
Firstly i want to thank you as a person who also has a vagina. I could've said that i want to thank you as a woman, but my stubborn feminism just HAD to shove the old vagina in your face and make you look at it. So that you would see that i have had to Face the fact that i am a woman who looks as women as breeding (or not breeding) vaginas with brains of their own instead of your perception of women as helpmeets of their husbands, as quoted in the new testament of the christian bible. Once i got the chance to SEE a TRUE example of how a "christian" woman BEHAVES and IS when i got to see YOU, i got to see how a "notsochristian and hell lets all come out of the closet"-Pagan woman such as myself can learn to value HERSELF as a WOMAN and not as a slave to patriarchy as you have obviously chosen to do. So, firstly i THANK YOU for reminding me that i am a WOMAN with a Vagina and not a vagina attached to a woman who is a slave to Men.
Secondly, i may as well get all the jesus stuff out in the open since i have just come out of the (old broom) closet...I don't know if you are aware of this, since you have lived in Alaska all this time, but there are OTHER religions than christianity in america and in the world. The missionaries have NOT worked hard enough and tirelessly enough and there are BILLIONS of PEOPLE in the world who do not identify themselves as christians...in order to save you some time i will now inject a pie graph i found here on the internets so you do not have to go to the trouble of looking it up for yourself....
see, there, only 33% (or 1/3, i don't know if you are as bad as math as i am or most of the dumbed down americans i have met are) of the WORLD calls themselves Christians. so, look to your left and then look to your right, ms. palin, and you will find yourself to be a very lonely christian indeed! maybe, you should use your god's will to bring other believers into your faith and into the kingdom of jesus when he comes again instead of using your dark lord's will to gain power in order to hasten the coming of the end of days...whoopsie daisies! mybad. i do not mean to offend you but to offer my gratitude....THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY EYES UP TO THE FACT THAT I AM IN THE 67th PERCENTILE OF RELIGION AND NOT SO ALONE. JUST THAT AMERICAN "EVANGELICALS" such as your self (my definition of that branch evangelicals being "false christians who are plotting the hastening of the obliteration of the earth in the name of a science fiction tale in a book...not unlike scientologists...i am sure that there are some very very kind, loving, genuinely good people who have been suckered in by the more GLAMOROUS dark boys and girls of the modern evangelical cult, and to them i apologize and hope for them to see the LIGHT instead of glomming on to the DARKNESS and DOOM offered by the more "POPULAR" BULLIES that have control over the national spotlight of "evangelicals", anyway)
But yet again, i digress! my humble thanks for reading this far...i am sure parts have been unpleasant for you, you are lucky that there is NOTHING unpleasant about being second in command of the world. phew..! :) life is going to be PERFECT for you when you are elected! you are So lucky! i am soooo jealous!
Secondly, i must, with all the thankfulness and genuine love in my heart, THANK YOU for RELIEVING me of the PRESSURES i have been building up for nine long years about being a mother! THAT part of your work ALONE has been probably more USEFUL and HELPFUL to me than all the others combined! and i am eternally grateful that you have sacrificed your private life as a MOTHER for the GOOD OF ALL HUMANITY.
How you have SELFLESSLY gone on to the world stage in this CRUSADE for MOTHERS, rather than staying home with your kids, like i do! To've sacrificed the infancy of your precious, fragile son with Down's Syndrome on the altar of AMERICAN POLITICS is absolutely ASTOUNDING TO ME! How you are so NORMAL in the dealing with your daughter's pregnancy being hashed out on the WORLD stage and you did not deny the republican nomination even though three out of your five children are in CRISES of some sort or another (your dear son going being sacrificed to the oilfields of iraq is just absolutely phantastic!) is absolutely the polar opposite of my ideas of staying home with my three children and being the guiding force in their lives, maybe even PREVENTING teenage pregnancy by my EFFORTS at mothering them!
Oh and how can i forget my gratitude of your showing me the value of the Women's Rights to Their Own Bodies campaign! Of which I, and my IUD, are proud marching members! Those of us who are below the poverty line and have had the wherewithall to have measures put in place so that we do not create more children to drain the american economy, the world's natural environment, and our own sanities and possibilities to ever leave our impoverished homes and follow your example onto the WORLD STAGE have been SHOWN THE WAY by you!
We should have more children! We should not be allowed to control or to stop the procreation of our own bodies! We should not follow our bodies' INTUITION and natural )0( Lunar cycles and be in control of some of our own destinies!
We should proceed to enjoy the sexual relationships we have with our husbands (or teenaged partners, as is the case with hundreds of thousands of american teenageers who are the peers of your lovely daughter) and if we get pregnant then it is GODS WILL that we should KEEP OUR BABIES and if we use methods other than abstinance to have some control over our bodies' procreation such as birth control, family planning, and yourgod forbid ABORTION then we should just press ahead, further our descent into the abyss that is american impoverished motherhood and hope that jesus gives us an extra pearl in our crowns when he brings us up to heaven to be with him! gotcha! THANK YOU FOR CLEARING ALL THAT UP FOR ME AND FOR ALL OF US! IT IS SO REFRESHING TO HAVE AN EASY ANSWER (have babies=pearls in the crowns jesus gives us because jesus doesnt want us to have abortions & that jesus and barack obama's mommas were both teenage unwed mothers, like your daughter and that's cool and acceptable) instead of the GRUELING, GUTWRENCHING, decisions about our own reproduction and future children and our own (dirty, sinful, have our periods, eek, THE CURSE, imean) bodies! THANK YOU SARA for clearing all that up with your persuasive beliefs!
Oh, and for those of us who have been victims of sexual abuse (gee! you bring out all the best in me for public consumption, dontcha?!) and for those who mygoddess forbid have been impregnated by sexual criminals, it is a great idea threaten to overturn roe vs wade in order to get more votes from christianantiabortionslavetopatriarchy women and sexually weird men who care so damn much about abortion and have their noses in womens' uteruses (is the word uteri? you are so much smarter than me, and i get quite passionate about all this and my cheeks get all flushed and i am too twitterpated to look in a dictionary!)!
I could go into all the foreign policy awareness issues that you have shown yourself to be ignorant of and myself to be knowledgable of, but i have spent a LOT of time (45 minutes) typing this and my children are running amok around here and NEED me to make them dinner! how DO you do it??!! how do you campaign all over the country all day and get home at night to make your children a hearty dinner, get them their baths, and tuck them in with a lovely veggietales movie and a bible story???? i am soooo jealous!
thank you for your time! i am sure i will be back soon as i can get a break from these ragamuffins that is long enough for me to come back and shower you with my heartfelt gratitude again! this has been a very cleansing and healing experience and For even THAT little bit i thank you!
you mean a LOT to me! keep going around the country and speaking your wise words so that i can learn learn learn from you and grow in the ways of your christ! maybe you will have a convert after all when this is all said and done on the second wednesday in november!
i will remain your faithful penpal and student in all things WOMANLY and FEMININE and RIGHTEOUS!
Steffani Jennings Williams Crummett