We were walking into the marriage license bureau. I was wearing a green corduroy jumper over my most comfortable shirt....
I was pushing tiny Baby Fred in the umbrella stroller. Eight year old Bastian was off at second grade.Jonathan was walking beside me. The sun was shining very brightly. It was Valentine's Day 2007.
"You are waddling!" Jonathan exclaimed. "Like you are pregnant!"
HAHAHA we laughed.....Impossible! Women with eightmonthold babies aren't PREGNANT! haha! Must still be from Last time! HEE HEE HAHA... let's get married....
Two weeks later, I bought the trusty Dollar Store Pregnancy Test, for one reason or a waddling other.....
I remember that I swept back into the living room, swooped up baby Fred from his bouncy chair (see the incongruity of it?!), sat on the couch and started to cry.
I doubt this was Jonathan's expected reaction from me. Dunno.
I know that I still had Post-Partum Depression from Fred. I know that we had an income of certainly less than a thousand dollars/month (probably including our foodstamps) and that our bills were $1200/month alone. I knew that *I* wasn't supposed to be a "baby making factory"......This was absolutely the most irresponsible thing I had done since drugs......And it was very very real.
I am sure I called Marci next. I wish it were on tape somewhere what was said. Whatever we said, i KNOW i ended the conversation laughing and fine.....
I know that during my pregnancy with Bella, we ordered cable television, and I absorbed a lot of America's Top Model and VH1 specials....
When i was recently (just the other day) pregnant with Fred, I had READ every single book I ever wanted to read again because I probably wouldn't ever have the chance again (little did i know!) We also got an unlimited membership to the video store....
My (other)craving (besides, it appears, Radical Escapism)was "DoubleWhopperWithCheeseNoLettuceTomatoOrOnion"....to the point that the dudes and ladies in the drive thru knew my voice by the seventh month....
In July, in the midst of my Summer Pregnancy....(ugh... you just sweated and got body aches thinking about it, huh ladies?!)... Sebastian went on his visit with his dad and we experienced bobby's death in the exact midst of my pregnancy. It's THAT (even more hugerly) huge (than you may've thought).....
In October, things were pretty alright and leveling outish.....The baby was due on Halloween. (of course) We hadn't been seen by anyone by then, and needed an "official" witness for when we were to file for the birth certificate later. So I wrote a long rambling letter to a midwife referred to me by Marci and we got an appointment about two weeks before i was due. I really only wanted the letter and didn't need to be examined. But I had ONE teeny question....I didn't "feel" the same as when i was far along with Fred. SOMETHING was DIFFERENT. Could she please give Jonathan some pointers for helping check the baby's positiion, because of how i had been in labor much longer than I should've been with Fred because of my insistence that i didn't know if i was "At 10!"....Oh yes, dear, feel that? Baby is head down and ready to go any time! yay! :)
Bobby's birthday is the 5th of November. I discussed at length, on November 1st, with Sebastian what it would be like if the baby were born that day. Too Sad. Too Devastating...was the verdict.
I decided to try to induce labor the next night. Castor Oil with a doubleshot of whiskey chaser and lots of looking into the moon.....and THINKING.....
At four fortyfive o'clockish the next morning, 3 November, i woke up with such a terrible backache. I didn't place it for quite a bit. Just "gee! my back HURTS!".... "OH!!!!"
Woke up jonathan the 8th time my back HURT.
It was on. No joke, no foolin, this was it. Breathing OOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTT SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS with one hand and trying to call Marci with the other....in candlelight in our bed, while Fred the new Focal Point slept in his crib in front of me.
This time we actually wrote down the contractions and timed them and all....they were absolutely perfectly two minutes apart from the time i woke up.
I remember saying at one point "I know i am always glorifying Birth and Labor and Women's Mysteries and all that, but this SUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKSSSS." second's later, my water broke.
Then it was on....I got up and headed to THE COUCH where i had fred. I wasn't going to screw around and be in labor one millisecond longer than i had to THIS TIME.
As I started walking though, i knew something was VERY VERY different. and SHARP! when i think of bella's birth at all, i think the word SHARP! it was like i was walking with the force ofgravity on a bag of sugar inside me with a carving KNIFE on the bottom that was jabbing at me....
When i got to the couch i had one big standingup contraction (as i stared into jonathan's papagandalf painting and contemplated the scores of women who stare at Mary instead...yes i can do things like that in labor)...reached down to wipe. Meconium!
Primal Fear!
Jonthan ran to get the book.....Meconium....Stress....Danger....Breech.....Transfer....Breech! that's all it really says....!
Well, THAT's Not so...because The Midwife said things were fine. But we are gonna proceed faster. I am going to go to the bathroom and loosen this all up and get this baby out in the next fifteen minutes. As long as the placenta is attatched to the baby it is ok....it is ok....it is ok....
(that was THE thought process)
........I tell this to lots of people each year...."When a woman commits to a homebirth, especially an unattended homebirth like we have chosen, or a hosptial birth or ANY birth, a woman has GOT to confront Head-on that the baby could die. If the woman isn't able to look that truth in the face, that is scary to me, in general. And a woman MUST confront that SHE might die. Death is Birth is Death is Birth, ladies....it is the veil between the two worlds, friends!".....
So i had already been HERE in my head LOTS of times....to SOMETHING'S wrong world land....But THIS was going to end WELL, dammit. So i went to the pot to check and birthed a knife...i mean, a foot. There is NO other feeling like THAT in the world, i hope....
Ok, jonathan! i yelled (who was standing at the (VERY BRIGHTLYLIT) doorway 4 inches infront of my face)....WE GOTTA DO THIS NOOOW!!!! This is IT...This is BUSINESS, now.
And from that point foreward, i just kept talking like an INSTRUCTOR....i will never be that calm again. (i HOPE)....
Jonathan's shaky voice behind me........ THAT is what i remember now. Poor, Poor Jonahtan's shaky voice behind me........(yet the love in THAT shaky voice cannot be measured or undersestimated.....)
Get the other foot out! I don't care how, just get the other foot! i INSTRUCTED...
`````"i CAN'T!!!! (shakkkkkkkyyyy shakkkkky) It isn't HERE I can't REACH IT! WHERE IS IT??!!"~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know, jonthan. Its ok. Just find the foot......
~~~~~~~~~ "It's UP THERE! I dont know! ITS DOING THE SPLITS!!!! (SHAKKKKKKY shakky shakkkky) "OK! GOT IT! OMGOMGOMGOMG are you ok?!!!"~~~~~~~~~~
I am fine. (Flash of instinct picture of a frozen chicken at the grocery) GET THE ARMS TOGETHER!!!! PULL THE ARMS TOGETHER LIKE A CHICKEN!!!!! (i somehow knew that it was the arms that would kill us both. the baby would grab the holes in my hip bones if he didn't get the arms out....it REALLY was THAT clinical and simple.
~~~~~~~~~~"OK! OK!OK!"(Shaaaaaaky)"OHMYGODOHMYGOD she's coming! i think she's a girl!"~~~~~~~~~
{{i tell the story (ha ha) that it is a good thing that she came out yoni-first because if she had been a boy i woulda given up the ghost! (yuk yuk!) }}
And she was born....as simple and in that same ten seconds that EVERY Baby is born, she was BORN!....
Perfect.
The first time i saw her, seconds later, she was PINK AND GOLD...no kidding. ask jonathan. PINK AND GOLD and absolutely perfect. AND FEMALE!!!!!!!!
Great Goddess of the Volcano and Mists! A new GIRL!!!
Time of birth 8:08 am 3 November 2007........ just at the sunrise....
"Marci's here!" bastian then called from the patio where he was outside waiting for her....
They took care of us then...Jonathan and Marci. And perfected us all up, treated us like queens and bought me a Double Whopper with Cheese at 11 am.
She is MY girl. She is OUR girl. She is Princess Moonstone. And she is the stuff of Myths and Legends......truly.
And i LOVE her more than LIFE itself....Next life carrier from my Light..
Happy BIRTH day, bellaluna evalina moonstone crummett!
