we were wildly in love. we were young. we didn't quite "get it" yet. we both liked marilyn manson. he read my tarot the night we met (i still have it...it was correct).we spent every minute together. we tried to grow up together. we failed at that. i am now trying to grow up apart. he wrote me poetry. i sent him hundreds of cards. we really tried. we both really, really failed. we did some things right, though. very right. our son is gorgeous, amazing, smart, and funny...just like us. we had neat things. we did neat things. we tried to supress our darker urges and places in us. we failed. the thing i miss most is the blue of his eyes and his laugh. the thing i miss most is his fathering. the thing i miss most is even his gutsy way of telling me to go to hell. i don't really allow myself to think of all this very often. the therapist says that is not the way to go about it. but my heart aches. it hurts. and when i think too hard about him i feel like i will die too...
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