the boy did sit for hours at a time...by lokie

The boy did sit hours at a time
Back and forth their lives did but flow
Making sense as they would go
Speaking to an American dime

The boy did sit hours at a time
Leaving the world so very far behind
Contemplating that within a troubled mind
Placing each word as though its a crime

The boy did sit hours at a time
Hoping life would hurry and end
Wanting some kind of a friend
Needing something in which i call mine

The boy did sit for hours at a time
Fears of living through this day
Knowing that death isn't far away
Drowning in sorrows till the end of time

The boy did sit hours at a time
Eyes of such colours telling a sad tale
Justifying that which is about to set sail
Yelling in pain as blood leaves this line

The boy did sit hours at a time
Xylophone playing its unearthly song
Visions blurred back tears for ever so long
Underneath this soft skin ever so fine

The boy did sit for hours at a time
As another life slips through these fingers, i sigh
If only tomorrow i would, could, should die
Grieve not for i did choose my time

The boy did sit for hours at a time
Only that now this body shall be burnt
Quiescent lay this soul by the sea has been earnt
Rest in Piece that isn't a crime

****************************************************
(now, read it from here up....)

a close faraway friend wrote this in 2004 when he was young :)

i enjoy it. sad as it is, i really enjoy it.

goodnight, aunt doris....

this is a note to my three cousins....

the pastor asked at the funeral this morning if anyone had anything to share...and i WANTED To pretty bad (no one did) but i cannot speak at funerals. i am lucky to make it to them at all at this point....

here is what i woulda said...

sorry i didnt have the guts to say so earlier...but i have a cute little story about your mom (i think...)

on my 18th birthday i went up to grissom's and bought a dollar scratch ticket. your mom sold it to me and said (totally joking)..."now, don't tell anyone i sold you that because we aren't supposed to sell to our family in case they win big money..." (you know better than almost anyone that twinkle in her eye...)....well i up and won $50 bucks!!! haha! and your mom from that very day foreward EVERY TIME i ever saw her again said "now, steffi! if i knew you were gonna win ALL THAT MONEY i NEVER would've sold you that ticket" (as though she woulda lost her decades long job...)with just the cutest little grin and giggle. and she ALWAYS asked me if i had any of the money left too hahahaha
my BIG lotto win, first one i ever bought! :)


i also remember when your parents had that canary bird and your dad kept trying to get it to cuss and your mom would get sooooo exasperated :)

she is also one of the three people on earth i never minded calling me steffi....;)

she was a great woman and a sweet aunt and i hope you are able to find comfort in your family and friends and all of us who loved her and love you...

love
steffi

moonstone memory day (actuality)

the first annual moonstone memory day has come and gone and it was beautiful...
(minus the part where bella bloodied her head all up and we called 911....she is fine. she was fine before they got here, albeit bloddy and with a huge bump on her head)

we had a lovely lunch (seen here...corn on the cob, watermelon, chips, pickles, cake, and a big ol stick uh buttuh....i know, nutritious, right?)

we had our first little fire of the year and made smores in the evening. then, after the babies were put to bed, jonathan, bastian, and i congregated on the porch and wrote our memories on index cards, which i will affix to our new MOONSTONE MEMORY BOOK for this year's entry.... brilliant, eh?

and here they are (in no particular order....and sorry if some of it is redundant, we are three people with the same experiences haha)

*Momma's dream came true and she has a library for her family. The love of reading is one of the most important things she can teach.

*We have done REALLY well at recycling, being VERY environmentally aware and giving to charity.

*We are all now absolutely in love with all things harry potter and have shared the world of hogwarts as a family. Very magical ;) (and we went to the symphony)

*We played Boggle in a thunderstorm

*Hurricane Ike hit our family in Galveston and then came and knocked our HUGE tree branch down- but we were all safe. Miracle.

*I made tulips, and they worked!

*Bastian and i had a really funny laugh about Huck Finn

*Bastian and i went to see Barack Obama speak in Dayton. When he was elected, we stayed up late and met jonny in the street ringing our bell.

* We answered a call from the Y and changed Momma's lifestyle. WE enjoy going to the Y together too.

*We play dungeons and dragons together as a family now. Even Momma. Thank you, Jonny.

*Had a wonderful getaway with jonathan in yellow springs.

*We spent a lot of time on the internet. Connecting with friends and family, learning about the world, making creative endeavors, and having pets.

*Jonathan stayed at the same job for a whole year and provided for us greatly. We are proud of him and grateful for all he does for us.

*We had a great winter solstice/yule. Our trees were lovely and we were able to give gifts to everyone. It was nice to send a box to our crummett and bivens family in texas. And we all got lovely gifts and enjoyed being together.

*River says "Dada's Harry Potter, Momma's Ermione, Bashie Weasy, Fred is harry potter, and sisty's draco malfboy"

*Jonathan is being as artistic as much as he can.

*Jonathan has kept a 15 cent goldfish alive since january in a small glass bowl. I call him fishy, fred calls him "harry potter"

*We all had an good honest go at being vegetarians, eating healthy and buying natural or organic products.

*Jonny got employee of the month and got to go out to eat with his supervisor and the owner of his work.

*Jonathan's mom, niki, and grandma mae and papa jake came to visit and we had good times.

*WE have paid our bills as on time as humanly possible, paid off the car, and have bought lots of groceries every week.

*Jonathan has kept a steady job for nearly 14 months now and has walked to work 99% of the time in snow, heat, rain, and even a huge storm.

*A dog came to our house, we kept it for the night, called the owner, and they gave us a reward.

*We got a fence put up, planted lots of flowers and tress, recycle like crazy, and have turned one and a half compost heaps. We have smores over campfires, try and buy wooden toys for the kids, drink lots of water, and eat soy so that maybe some animals will live.

*River learned to go potty right after he turned 3. He's getting to be a big boy.

*Steffani is learning to sew and is having a good hobby making dresses and pajamas.

*Bashie joined boy scouts, steffani learned to play dungeons and dragons and like it, fred eats more than he used to and talks in complete sentences, bella is a beautiful girl and is growing up very fast.

*Our family has read and seen almost all the harry potter books and films. Fred likes to "ride broom" and "catchasnitch"

*We welcomed grandma camille to our home for bella's first birthday. IT was a lovely visit and we are glad she came.

*It was a lovely year of watching the seasons pass in our new Home and our new state. We made it throught the winter, and the soggy spring, and the confetti fall...

*We had lovely visits with grandma mae and papa jake. Papa sure fixed us a good fence and fixed our house all up. It is great to spend time with grandma mae. She is special.

*Pirates returned on the news

*Blue hippo is adopted.

*Jonny gets employee of the month

*Bashie has a garden.

*Own our car

*Lincoln turns 200

*Finished lemony snicket saga

*Saw a bunny

*Guitar Hero

*WE go to the YMCA

*Fire crackers on july 4

*Momma stop smoking

*Momma sews

*My gameboy advance

*Fred go potty

*Swine flu

*Cousin niki, dirk, kelsey, bailey, and teague came for cousin chad's wedding. We threw a neat surprise birthday party for niki. Niki is now one of momma's best friends.

*WE paid off the lumina. NO MORE YKS (loan lender for car)

*We decorated our house on 4th of july. It was our statement about our dislike of the way bush ran the country unconstitutionally. It was fun and courageous.

*We worked together and transformed the two front rooms into lovely, cozy family spaces. We got new carpet and also made the bathroom beautiful. Lovely Home from a YUCKY house....

(there are sooooooooooo many more memories....this was a lovely activity....(that last lovely was facetious...i had meant the rest of them))

NEVER give up....never ever ever ever ever give up

i have been trying and meaning and attempting to make bella play dresses for weeks, if not a month. failed attempt after failed attempt after botched pattern after mess after bobbin thread tears, i have now made four dresses in the past 24 hours...they are amazingly flawed. that has taught me a lot about myself...i don't mind flaws, as long as i am getting it "done"....that is a FAR cry from being a perfectionist, i think.... (i mean, they are pretty friggin flawed....but they exist) it was the fourth one before i had half a clue what i was doing....

to make the first one,i took apart a dress that bella already had with a seam ripper. then took the parts of the dress, then traced them on brown paper and cut them out and tried to make a dress out of an old sundress i had...just to use the material for practice. the back didn't work, so i used the bodice of the old sundress to make a panel for the back. it can actually be worn either frontways or backwards...yay.










the second, i REALLY had the "gathering thing" down, and then tried to sew the gathering INSIDE and it didnt come out so great...all i will have to do is create a sash with ties sometime when i feel like sitting back down and sewing, and this dress, the yellow/brown flowers, will be the least flawed of all...



(nice job, dad, photobombing your one year old...great!)

the third one is my favorite so far though (i love the yellow/brown flowered material best though)...it is greenish and yellowish flowers. it looks VERY good on....






the last one is a batik and is actually the first material i bought when i started buying material to make her "play dresses"....it is ok...not pretty, just exotic...


i have material left of each to make matching bloomers/diaper covers....i am just too tired now (was up till after 1 with that first masterpiece there)....

more to come, i'm sure....

miggory

speaking of me....and crowns....just saw the tale of despereaux with bastian....i can dig this character...that makes me sad, i mean, she's pretty spot on....oh well... very good family movie...

My name means "crowned"....that is the meditation....that is the goal....i love this picture, always have.....my hair is almost this long and wispy when wet....crown chakra, etc....

happy birthday, fred

three years ago today on a wednesday morning fred and i had a birth together.
it was amazing.

as most of you know by now, i had fred at home, attended only by jonathan and with the encouragement of my best friend marci.

i WANT to write his whole birth story but i am exhausted after a long week. i will someday, i promise...

but what is REALLY running through my head the past couple days as the Lesson of Fred's birth is this..

when i was in labor with fred i didn't know if i was "at 10" because there was no one to check me (and i didnt quite trust myself or know my body well enough then). so i didn't know when i could push.

so i kinda HELD HIM IN an hour and a half longer than i could've (at least)....

i was propping my legs up to the couch and pushing AGAINST the couch and him back up in me kinda. for an hour and a half (at least).

finally at a minute before the world changed, i (practically flew) raised myself up on my knees and beared down like nothing before or since.

i am telling you....birth is a millesecond....for all the thinking it lasts a second....no kidding

his little bocce ball head was born (down below me, i have yet to see a baby born, bella was behind me, but you'll have to wait to hear about THAT foot in november)...

and i heard him sloshing around underneath me and it sounded like (and the picture in my mind's eye of him was) he was floating on his back in a river and splashing the wather with his arms....thus the name and the boy were born.

it took less than ninety days for me to become pregnant with river, after NINE years of only having one child....i firmly believe that he was quite fated to me.

and i love him something fierce. and he is beautiful and funny and So very sensitive, just like me (and just like his dad too...what a combo)

almost a thousand days ago.....i love him dearly.

happy birthday, river frederick jack....mama loves you....

happy birthday, jonathan

***today is my precious husband, jonathan's 26th birthday. On May 15, 1983, he was born 3 months prematurely and weighed one pound, fifteen ounces. This is something i wrote to him when we were courting....

The Birth Of Love
I think of the prayers of your mother, of your ancestors into the ears of the angel who held your entire life in one small hand.

I think of the miracle of your Beginning, of your fight to live to love.

I think of the bright darkness between life and Death, and at the meeting of our souls...

The light Darkness you came from, the Home you left to join the living, extraordinarily different from the start...

The Miracle that you were when they agonized, and in your presence were gifted with facing all of the Mysteries of life and sureties of Death...

The angel, in whose hand you rested, brushed your mouth with the tip of a Holy finger and caused your Breath- and all the other things hard fought by you that came so easily to others, automatic....

With every breath. that came too easily to the rest of us, You fought through your lungs nothing but Love of Life...

With every breath, you taught awareness of Life and the stark miracle of hurting....

You showed in your valiant fight with Darkness exactly what it is to Love...

You show that now to me. And i thank you for guiding me through my selfish Pain, my former small understanding of the Miracle of love...

And for gifting me with thinking that i was giving to you, when it was you showing me how to breathe a miracle...

In your tiny way, you showed the greatest Strength that has ever existed, influenced more in your first moments to more people than any of us with our "vastness" could hope to do in our entire lifetimes...

To consider that it is with me that you, great Teacher of Love and Life, would desire more than anything to gift me with babies is the highest honor i can imagine...

The holiness of Creation, you creator of so many things, who Breathed into my dying soul and resurrected my power of Love, erased what before in all my lonely thinking was the Mistaken Replacement of False Miracles...

I want to express to you, like prayer, like wishing, like spelling, like giving, All of the millions of thoughts i have about the Fortune that made me the one that you Love...

I want to love you like you are teaching me, want to give you anything in my small way that to others is vast as the universe, but when i dwell with you and you enfold around me is small and tiny as your fist on your first day as you raised it defiantly, pointed to the Unknown, pointed at my heart, without knowing....

Without knowing we'd end up right here. My words in your ear, my intention pounding your heart, our desire gripping our souls, my body awaiting your touch which will lead to the creation inside me of your needful Continuation of Life....

To be the one who is with you at your next miraculous birth, your new pure defiant soul incarnate, your firstborn, our baby....

Be it girl or boy, ecstacy or joy, the Universe labors with us in the creation and Birth of Love....