ok.....this is major.
this morning at 10:30, jonathan "let" me go up and sleep. i swore i was only going to read for a little while. it wasn't a big issue or anything, i was just EXHAUSTED. i do not know if you can fathom the kind of exhaustion this was. i have been EXHAUSTED for months, if not a couple years straight. and jonathan is VERY good to me in letting me TRY sometimes to get some extra sleep when at all humanly possible. he is (proably) better to me getting sleep than he is to himself. needless to say, though, i have seen most of the hours of the last three-four years.
so i went upstairs and read just a little bit and konked out.
i dreamed i was a CONSCIENCE!
in the dream i started out as ME, as steffani.
i was helping the girls from my old high school class to find our classmates for our 15th class reunion, which is coming up next year. (i know, huh?!)
there was one particular person they sent me to look for, like PHYSICALLY look for. (matt broering- for those of you keeping score out there, and who can understand the subtleties of that)
so i set off on foot to look for him.
i ended up walking up a road (in colorado, which was outside of the town i lived in most of the years i lived there...)and there was a distance road sign that said MATT 35
as though WHERE HE WAS was 35 miles (walking east, for those of you with your dream dictionaries out) down this road.
so i kept walking and several miles on, coming towards me, was a ragtag group of men beind DRIVEN by chinese soldiers (in america) as though in some death march on the colorado plains.
matt broering was one of these (american) men (prisoners).
i called out to him. he saw me but warned me with his eyes to try to escape.
we both knew it was too late.
the chinese guard nearest him fired a blow dart at him (in a tube in his mouth) which was poison and matt dropped to the ground. dead.
next thing i knew i FELT a dart pierce my neck.
that was it.
it was really fast.
i could no longer see.
the world went black.
i did not exist.
but i could FEEL
the next thing, i was MEAT
at a chinese factory.
i was MEAT (!!!)
being marinated on an assembly line for use in chinese food
(i KNOW!!!, huh?!)
(they used my flesh to make chinese meat)
from the moment i got hit with the dart i was no longer steffani
my BEINGNESS altered and i was now MEAT.
the NEXT thing i knew, i was being eaten (by an american man)
from the point i was EATEN, i could no longer HEAR...
(i have thought about this today and i "thought" about it whilst i was dreaming. i would describe it as being "helen keller" where i could now not HEAR or SEE (as the world had gone black to my human consciousness when i had DIED)
i could merely FEEL in the BLACKNESS now, as i was digested through his body. (yes, could FEEL myself (meat) being DIGESTED through this MAN's body)
into the toilet...
flushed out into the sewer system...
purified back into FRESH water
(WATER...from meat/flesh i became WATER...i KNOW!!!!)
and into the SEA!
where at a river bed, another MAN gathered me up in his hands and DRANK "me"...
(this is a true story and i remember it as clearly as i am typing it)
inside THIS man's body i turned from WATER to SPERM
so i became the very SPARK of LIFE then....
"I" was then expelled into a woman's body...
and became an embroyo...
(could FEEL the cell expansion and divisions)
and the world turned light again.
the CONSCIOUSNESS that i was that had been DARK since my prior death was now sparkling with LIFE...
the "life sparkles" became FLESH (again! i KNOW!!!!)
and i was BIRTHED and again could SEE and HEAR...
and was a human infant....
who FELT in the SENSORY LANGUAGE of a human infant....
who began to gain cognition (VERY SLOWLY, yet THOROUGHLY)
and LEARNED "physicality" from inside my HEARING and SEEING self who wasn't able to comprehend nor express LANGUAGE.
(what i can tell you from this, as i was coming to and being awakened by my own toddler children downstairs, is that the LESSON of this part is that when we are SMALL children we are ONLY ourSELVES. it is a beautiful fine line between being lightsparks and flesh beings that is snuffed out with each and every english word we learn and every single word spoken to us...(i learned that even nice words...anything ALOUD...HURTS)...
we become DEADENED of our LIGHTSPARKS with WORDS and HUMANITY and that physical touch and pleasant light, sound, and the gentlest sensory touch possible, are what is HUMAN in us and EVERYTHING ELSE is a bombardement and ruiner and is PAINFUL and murderous to our light conciousness)
i awoke feeling that i had GONE HOME...this was a true dream that i HAD to share. it was a momentous, wild trip.
thank you for reading about it.