and all i can say is it feels VERY VERY VERY strange and i feel VERY VERY VERY terrified and confident at the same time.
no, not the GAY closet, but the 9/11 was an inside job closet.
i am sure this is not that something that i will be able to recover from very soon.
because i said outrageous things to my mother.
the college graduate.
the one who gave me life.
and i still feel confident (yet i am sure look psychotic to some degree) within my beliefs.
i have passed the point of no return.
i have gone too far down the rabbit hole (and i mean the alice in wonderland one)
i love my mother very fiercely and i respect what my mother has done with her life from where she came from, i really really do.
but when the subject of politics comes up (and not by me, mind you...) i just get all UGLY with TRUTH (my truth as i can see it feel it believe it and KNOW it in my soul)
and no one (especially not my brother and my mother) really can SEE what i can see.
or what i know i see.
when i hear conspiracy theory i feel PROUD...and SMART...that i can see the connections that other people avoid and absolutely refuse and fail to see.
it is not negative to me. because at its root, this EVIL force that i KNOW exists in the hearts and minds of the evil (global) regime that i am internally fighting against (and now externally, i guess)
there are a vast majority of people in america who cannot find many coutries on the map or name very many world leaders, let alone are able, or care to, fathom the spiritual ramifications of things that i feel it is my RESPONSIBILITY and DUTY to be AWARE of AT ALL TIMES (to the best of my ability)
but i have no clout just because i am smart, and just because i pride myself on my awareness. those are not things that are envied anymore (if they ever were)
i am too intelligent for some people and too trashy for the people iam intelligent enough for...
i think that all just changed.
because for the first time in my entire life, i don't feel TRASHY anymore. the intelligent part of me has just won, like it or not, on purpose or not.
I KNOW I AM CORRECT in the things and feelings that i know are so about the structure of the world and its evil and its dark enslaving elitist "masters", the ones who are playing a game of RISK with us all... (not WITH us, but using us as pawns)
i hope ANYONE is still reading this and is getting the things that i am saying...not that i think i am BETTER or CLEARER or MORE than you or anyone else, just that i go off into a kinda "trance" place sometimes, and keep writing until i am crosseyed and have to blink again.
(i am not exactly going off of an eighth grade english class "outline" here, i am going off of fear and love and terror and nausea and freedom and neurosis and every other adjective in the world)
(god, it felt like i was hovering over it and CERTAINLY not in my own body while it was happening- the "arguement")
(thank you if you are still reading this far. i am ABSOLUTELY alone in the world for 20 more minutes until jonathan gets home and i am VERY (un) comfortable right now)
i dont know what MOST PEOPLE would do if they had "argued" themselves into the place that i now find myself in.
i know in my bones that i have always been a disappointment to my mother and probably everyone else who has ever met me for very long.
i know in my marrow that no one has ever really taken me seriously (i think jonathan did at one time, but not for a long time now) and that most people i have been close to have either thought of me as psycho and/or mildly retarded (or both)
but that just doesn't bother me all the sudden (maybe it does. maybe it will HIT ME sometime later)
anyway, here's what i know for sure at 1051pm on 8-18-08...
i just said a lot of (what i believe in my soul but) crazy shit to my mother and my brother.
they tried to answer back.
i really really prayed to god (or whatever) that i could just stop talking and just stop arguing the entire time the "hovering out of body experience" was happening, but i just could not.
i feel sick to my stomach and confident at the same time.
i feel very much alone.
i dont think i am doing this incident in my life very much justice.
i am not reading over what i am writing or editing myself in ANY way.
i know that i love my children, my husband, and my simple life a lot and can probably gain a lot by focusing more on that and less on caring a squat less what anyone ever may think of me or my beliefs or anything else...
i know that none of this (nor much else) will matter the minute (second) the atomic bomb is dropped, accidentally detonated, shot out of a cannon or a submarine, etc etc etc..
i know i dont WIN if i am right (unless OTHERS will finally accept the TRUTH and begin in big ways to resist and even FIGHT the EVIL that i KNOW is all around.
i know that my truth isnt the ONLY truth, and that if it was, i would be far more uh...advanced in the world than i am (or in jail or waterboarded or watched by the GOVERNMENT)
anyhoosies...i wanted to express what happened when the topic went from abortion to war (them against abortion, me against war, etc etc etc) but i cannot seem to figure a lot out, river woke me up at 5 am and my eyes are closing....
i am gonna stop this for now. comment if you want, but i doubt you will, you never do :)
love love love (really)