Our Year Of Living (Beautifully) Without WalMart

Monday, August 18, 2008

first of the hometeaching bloggy blogs

so....um....yeah...

all my life i have been collecting books and listening to classical music.

i have been using upwards of 4 and 5 syllable words and hating the morning.

i have done incredible "mommy" things since i have had children.

everyone else i have graduated with, their parents, and my own mother are teachers.

why not me?

i will tell you why not me, and i have told everyone why not me since i was a kid.

i cannot be a teacher because i am too emotional.

i cannot be a teacher because i could not deal with the office politics.

i cannot be a teacher beacause last time i was in a school the kids bullied and made fun of me and i imagine that the children i was expected to teach would also bully and make fun of me.

i cannot be a teacher because people do not "listen to me" or take my advice or think my views are worth a damn in the "real world" so why would little kids believe me/listen to me/ learn from me?

i cannot be a teacher because unlike my mother, i did not know when i was a young child that teaching is what i was fated to do.

i cannot be a teacher because i hate school.

then when the standardized tests came around- ferget it! theres no way i want ANYTHING to do with standardized tests.

i cannot be a teacher because i hate getting up in the morning.

i cannot be a teacher because gwb said "no child left behind" and certainly ruined education then.

i cannot be a teacher because my views are far too ecclectic and irratic and completely unconventional (is completely unconventional conventional then?).

i cannot be a teacher because of that whole pesky "college education" thing and i cannot take the math.

i cannot be a teacher because i could never make lesson plans.

i cannot be a teacher because i would be run over by little kids and too attracted to teenage boys if i were to teach high school. (there, i said it. i mean it as a joke, kinda)

i cannot be a teacher because i cannot teach anyone anything.

(oh i am sure there are countless other REASONS)

then i had children.

and i started to believe that they were placed into my life to convince me that all of the above (and the countless more) were bullshit limiting beliefs (and trust me, when it comes to limiting beliefs, i win)

now, i am the mother of an honor roll student. a straight A bashie.

through the whole of his childhood when i was doing the VERY FLAWED "perfectionist wannabe" mom thing...through the tumult of the divorce and the myriad crazy places to live, the bipolar mommy experiment that is my own life, the birth of two siblings, new stepfather, death of his own father in front of him, moving across the country...

sebastian, whom i gave birth to, ended last year on the honor roll, had read more books than anyone in his grade, become the student of the week his first week and student of the month his first month at his new school.

now, credit where credit is due, and i mean this with ALL MY HEART AND MIND, sebastian williams is his own person with his own (very beautiful) mind. and i did not raise him on my own by myself. he has had some wonderful people who have co-adulted him along with me. (and sometimes instead of me) HE is the one who made it on the honor roll, not me. i certainly know that.

{i bet you can imagine, maybe the SCOPE of the shitty student i was...(and shitty child)}

but i sometimes just MUST think that i had something to do with mothering such a cool and interesting and intelligent child. because when i have my self esteem on correctly, i can see that those are the three qualities that i admire most in myself. so you teach what you know, right :)

and you teach your children every single second anyway. i am very very astutely aware of this. always have been.

everything you do is teaching your children human behavior, instinct, correctness, wrongness, and a myriad of ther spiritual lessons EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. (this is the pressure i place on myself, people, seriously)

i truly believe and KNOW that.

so, how hard can math and reading be to TEACH when these three children are constantly LEARNING from me anyway with no effort whatsoever of my own, really..... (oh yeah, that was a question....) ?

and wouldnt i want the babies home with me forever anyway? if i am going to be here anyway?

i cannot go out in the world and work for someone else. just to send my kids to public school and live the "american life" i am "supposed" to live. we all knew that wouldn't work for me, didn't we?

and, the curriculum i found, you guys, holy shit....

and someday i will "come out" as a teacher after all this closeted excuse making. and it will be just fine.

just like any other "closeted person" EVERYONE already knew i was a teacher anyway, before i came out :)

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